The Chair (And Other Tales Of Modern Terror)

(Or: Trick or Treat III, but I didn’t want the title to be too long.)

I: The Chair

Gossamer and Bugs

“What’s up. doc?”, indeed.

Yesterday afternoon, I was about to go downstairs to get my mail, when I opened the door, stepped halfway outside and immediately saw some monsters in the hall about 15 feet away. I calmly walked back inside, shut the door and shook my head, then got a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator and took a seat on the couch. The TV was on and it was the usual news of the day, all bad all the time, of late.  It was going to be a long wait before I went back outside again.

Okay, so it wasn’t ‘real’ monsters at all and no real monsters like you see in the movies actually exist no matter how good the film is. But there was a young guy sitting in a chair in that hallway getting his hair cut by another older guy who was standing up, and no, the guy doing the cutting didn’t have six foot long arms, either.

When I sat down, I shook my head again, then laughed for maybe a good two minutes. What came to mind at that point was this:

(Thanks, Edge of the Fringe!)

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Rustler: Get Medieval in This Hilarious GTA-Inspired Game

rustler_01

Yep. This needs to be played for this reference alone.

 

First of all, when I went to install the Rustler Alpha demo on Steam, I was greeted with Grand Theft Horse as a title on the game installer, which was magnificent. Indie developer Justus Games knows which side of the bread their butter in on. Second of all, for an alpha, the game is coming together pretty well. It’s just up on Kickstarter now and is there waiting for you to pledge or the drunken sot with the sword in the banner above may come for you. He’ll be right up your alley if you’re not right up his, as it were. That alley will be dark ad have a few rodents in it, most likely.

Gameplay is much the original Grand Theft Auto and GTA 2 isometric top down stuff but rendered in a nicer game engine with some lusher environments. As with the aforementioned games, there’s humor in all the mayhem you cause and yes, the old ultra-violence means it’s not a child’s game for sure. But there’s that nifty cathartic thing going on here that just works because you get immediate results from your attempts at criminal behavior (or, assorted guards and villagers don’t just stand by while you crime away), so expect to fight as you run run or ride a swiped horse away from trouble, or cause more pain for as long as you can. It’s your choice, but the lead’s character’s seemingly perpetually drunken state can cause him to fall off a horse or otherwise be dismounted.

 

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The Pee Fountain, Death, and Bette Davis

I got an email not too long ago that I still had money on a certain coffee card that never ever expires (we don’t do product placement here, but you can guess for free and no prizes will be awarded for guessing correctly), so I took a break from my Firefox-induced madness noted in a previous post and went down to grab a cuppa joe even though I’d made a fresh pot earlier today. A change of scenery was going to help my mood, I thought.

Sometimes, dear reader… you get more than you paid for.

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Weird Tales (and It’s All True)

Thanks, OOdie Smith!)

 

Amusingly enough, my last post seemed to cause some voodoo spirits* or whatever to affect my posting through Firefox, as I’m now writing this on Google Chrome after installing it because I can’t post or respond to posts using Firefox now. Weird, as it’s been an issue since last night when I was trying to post two reviews and respond to a few comments and I couldn’t. It was late and I was tired, so I did the usual human thing of going to bed without resolving the problem.

Of course, this didn’t work at all as a proper solution when I went to check early this morning to see what was up.

VOODOOOOOO!!**

I think I turned into Sir Ben Kingsley as Don Logan in Sexy Beast at this point, or I got up and had a cup of strong coffee, or both. But like a politician, I choose not to remember certain things as a matter of convenience. Oh, that video you clicked on was very NSFW (no, not in a sexy manner), but I may also have been (ALLEGEDLY), and Sir Ben is better at emoting, so there. Nyah.

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Review: Love Laughs at Andy Hardy (1946)

Love Laughs at Andy Hardy_MP

This French poster looks as it was started in 1909 and completed a few dozen years later.

“Well, I certainly wasn’t going to laugh…”  is what I immediately thought after viewing this tepid 1946 film on TCM a few evenings ago. To be fair, I’d seen a few Andy Hardy films in the past and found them to be drolly amusing light comedies and as fluffy as could ever be possible, especially the three with a young Judy Garland as Mickey Rooney‘s co-star. This effort, however just left me cold and in a few parts, rubbed me the wrong way save for one performance that steals the show.

The absolutely drop-dead gorgeous Dorothy Ford was actually 5′ 11″, but played her too brief part as Coffy Smith at well over six feet in heels and yes, steals the film from Mickey Rooney’s tired but competent shenanigans. She also turns out to be the “wisest” character in this film, offering up some sage relationship advice and dealing with having to dance with Rooney in a lively, but paradoxically strangely dull sequence where her height is the butt of a few jokes. Andy being about breast high being one none too subtle bit, but that’s actually funny for a few seconds.

 

 

Then again, the film very likely will be loved by the comfort flick crowd for a lot of the usual things the franchise was known for. You get that long Andy and Judge Hardy (Lewis Stone) talk with morality and choices as the center, and yes, the family Hardy is as wholesome as Instant Ralston with Jam, and cream mixed in (ewww). There are some amusing moments like the homecoming sequence when Andy comes back from his service in WWII, and a few of the college scenes are cute and chuckle-worthy. Still, for me, the film was a chore to sit through because of the “Poor Andy Hardy” scent emanating from the plot.

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Brain Wash, Or: Monday, Stuff Escapes Me Temporarily

So this was sort of amusing (sort of). First, let’s get some music for this post. Let’s see now… OK, here you go:

I woke up bright and early today to go do some laundry, which has been sitting around glaring at me for a bit and occasionally borrowing a book to read. Yeah, it’s been a while. I finally did gather up stuff a few days back and sorted it, so it’s three trips worth of what I would say are Santa-sized bags (“ho-ho-ho!”, but walking and smelling like dirty laundry). I was planning to head out early this morning. as the laundry here opens between 6:30 and 7am, do one load, finish around 8 or 8:30 and come back to do a second load.

Around 6:10, I’m having a cup of coffee and suddenly realize that I haven’t seen my wallet.

Uh-oh.

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An Animated Discussion (Part 2)

Now, where were we…

Casper

Cutting to the chase, maybe? Right, then. Here’s what was in that care package that was retrieved by a friend for his two kids as they were struggling with a no internet challenge. I’d say that package worked for its purposes pretty well, but we’ll see what the kids thought:

flintstonesThe Flintstones The Complete First Season: This one went over big because neither kid has seen the older version of the show in any sort of order before, but they definitely got it’s influence on The Simpsons and Dear Old Dad said he went out and got a Honeymooners collection DVD from a local pawn shop at some point so they could take a deeper dive down the road.

I’ve always thought the first three seasons were the best, as the animators were still working on a few things and the some of later seasons’ episodes felt a little stale. That said, every season has quite a few stellar episodes, and on the while, it’s a classic series worth seeing in full.

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Random Film of the Week Quickie: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

yucca_01

It’s too hot for meatballs, but it’s going to get hotter, Tor.

yucca_MPI first saw this really awful and brilliantly bad sci-fi flick very late at night some years ago and again recently after overhearing someone in a diner hilariously recast the Avengers movies as period pieces set in the early 60’s. Yes, Tor Johnson was The Hulk in that person’s version. While you roll that around in your noggin, be warned that The Beast of Yucca Flats is a pretty horrible movie with only three redeeming factors:

1. It’s only 54 minutes or so long. Okay, it’s a long 54 minutes, so there’s that.

2. If you’re in a foul mood, you very likely won’t be in 54 minutes or so*.

3. It almost makes Plan 9 from Outer Space or Robot Monster look like Star Wars movies (which ones are up to you).

(Thanks, Alistair Knight!)

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The Criterions, Collected (But Not As You’d Think)

radio days

I was walking down the street one day…

So, this happened a few months ago, but I took my time in writing it because well, among other things, I didn’t have any photos for the article and I want to NOT reveal the location of where the shop noted is because they do have some nice pre-owned movies from time to time. Just not these movies as you’ll soon see. ‘Other things’ would be needing to look up photos on the Criterion site and fitting in references and links, something I didn’t want to do initially because I do need to get some of these films and that reminder pokes at my poor wallet each time I look at the site.

Note: I initially chopped down the story significantly because it’s the holidays and you really don’t need to read a lot here because you’ll be putting a bike together, or setting a digital clock on something, and you won’t have time to do more than throw your hands up and throw a badly written instruction manual in the trash, only to retrieve it when you realize the layout was backwards or a page was printed out of order and upside down. I restored the text because when I thought about it, you may as well have a hearty laugh today at my expense because someone will likely roll over your foot with that new bike or attempt to shoot your eye out like Moe Green in The Godfather (or was it in A Christmas Tale?*) if you got them that BB gun they wanted so badly.

Anyway, take a leap below the jump, and prepare for a fall in which we stick the landing, just not the landing we expected.

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Friday the 13th: Killer Puzzle Gets Some Fun, Free Updates

F13_header

Get this… OR ELSE.

Well, eight episodes of the game have been FREE for a while now on STEAM, but having a subscription to developer Blue Wizard Games’ email newsletter was pretty rewarding today, as there’s some nice content they’ve added to the game as well as a couple of fun freebies for email subscribers.

In addition to getting Episode 9 and the Baghead Jason DLC skin for free, the email also included a package of neat HD Blue Wizard Digital desktop wallpapers, Slayaway Camp toy paper-craft templates, and the official theme songs (MP3) for both Slayaway Camp and Friday the 13th: Killer Puzzle (woo-hoo!). Very cool, Blue Wizard, very cool, indeed.

Here’s a little teaser for the game. It’s kind of cute, really hilarious and yes, you can choose to play without the blood (but why would you?):

Even better, if you have a STEAM account, there’s a sale on the developer’s other titles, so yes, you can try a few of their games for a lot mess money. Sounds like a deal to me.

-GW