I got an email not too long ago that I still had money on a certain coffee card that never ever expires (we don’t do product placement here, but you can guess for free and no prizes will be awarded for guessing correctly), so I took a break from my Firefox-induced madness noted in a previous post and went down to grab a cuppa joe even though I’d made a fresh pot earlier today. A change of scenery was going to help my mood, I thought.

Sometimes, dear reader… you get more than you paid for.

Now, there used to be TWO of these locations within walking distance, but the larger one closed last year much to my surprise, as it was a regular hangout for many of the people who worked at the hospitals in the area, a bunch of cops, firefighters and I think even a few lawyers or law students based on conversations I’d overheard. But let’s get to the more recent trip today to the closer location, and what a trip it was.

So, I get to the place and realize that not only did I forget my card (oops), I was wearing a warmer coat when I last went out and my wallet was in that coat’s pocket (Score, 30- love!). Yes, I am a handful at times.

What rhymes with dribbles?

Anyway, I decided since I was there to use the restroom, dart back home, get my wallet and come back as it was only what, a less that 10-minute walk back and sure, I needed the exercise. I excused myself around the back of the line and went to the restroom. As I walked in and the door closed, a man was changing a baby at a folding infant station, and as he turned slightly to say he was doing just that, a long jet of urine shot into the air, just missing him. Aw man, Little man, I. Just. Changed. You!  he said, sounding like William Shatner over-emoting as Captain Kirk in an old Star Trek episode as he started laughing and shaking his head.

Of course, I burst out laughing at this.

As I was trying to contain myself, the door to the stall next to the urinal opened and a guy popped his head out, looks at me, looks at the baby and guy with him, says: “Oh. Pee fountain.” before he closes the door and gets back to his business. Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else, welcome to Laugh-In. That comment had the effect of making everyone lose it (yes, the guy in the stall started laughing as well, with an echo coming from inside the stall), even that baby, who in what made me see some sort of next life, shot a smaller jet of pee into the air. I was literally on the floor at this point, leaning against the stall laughing and kind of getting lightheaded from doing so. I didn’t need to use the urinal as the urge to go has vanished. It’s a miracle!

If I’m gonna go, it better be in this time slot.

The guy with the baby, who he was changing into a second diaper noticed this and asked if I was all right, and I got out a strained “Maybe?” in between wheezes. That made all of us laugh even more, and as the guy in the stall was finished, as he stepped out to wash his hands he said he used to work for EMS here, but he said was retired and joked he was off-duty, but he’d take a look at me – after he washed his hands. That made me, the guy with the baby and the baby laugh even more.

Right about then, I was thinking of that scene from All That Jazz where Roy Scheider is having the mother and daughter of all hallucinations and what a way to go this was going to be for me, but with a baby peeing as if on cue to send me to my final destination. Still, the laughing continued.

The ex-EMS guy finished washing his hands, dried them and came over and looked at me for a bit. “Try and think of something that’s not funny” he suggested, but I started laughing even harder because the first thing that popped into my head was a co-worker many years ago who told me he would think of Fred Flintstone when he was in bed with his wife for some reason I forget. Let me tell you, people, the brain goes to some pretty weird places when you slow down and think. To wit, I thought of how many times Lon Chaney was mentioned in the Animaniacs theme song (I think it was four), who’d play Dot in an Animaniacs live action movie, Bette Davis, circa 1933! was my brain’s response. And as this was a free-range hallucination, Yes, Fred Flintstone, Adam Ant falling off stage and Captain Kirk were in there too.

Oddly enough, I calmed down. The guy with the baby had finished the changing and came over with the kid to see if I was alright, joking he didn’t want to have to take the kid and his wife to a funeral for someone he just met in the restroom. I was fine, just winded a bit from laughing too much, but got out a chuckle at his comment. As we all left the restroom, some woman in the rear of the line says we sounded like we were having too much fun in there and I said that it was due to the baby being changed, to which she replied “Oh, I bet. Let me guess, pee fountain?”. Yep, Bette Davis was right in my mind then and I got out a shorter laugh and left the joint before I lost it again. I think I’ll stay at home from now on. it’s much safer here and I bet Jack Warner way back in time would be pleased at the very least that I wasn’t going to swipe one of his stars.

-GW