Jem and the Holograms Trailer: Welcome To The Blonder-dome

Posted on September 10, 2015 by geelw

Not being a fan at all of the old cartoon and spending time watching a few too many old episodes over the last week or so makes me an easy judge of how this film will do at the box office. The answer is “terribly or worse” for a few key reasons. Reasons one and two: Based on poking around the internet and reading a few too many “totally outrageous!” comments, the older fans didn’t ask for it and the younger ones don’t really exist. That is, unless they have parents trying too hard to be their best friends and think this is a gateway to that friendship.

Cue the future news stories of kids possibly bumping off those parents in their sleep after being taken to see this turd.

It’s also perhaps somewhat sadistic (or masochistic, depending on how you angle that shoe mirror) of them if those parents dragging their tweens to this think it’ll be as “cool” as the show was only to find out they’ve been unfriended before or during the end credit roll. That’s going to be one long, looooong drive home from the multiplex is all I’m saying. (THAT said, okay, okay. I kind of liked the writing in some of the episodes, so I’ll blame the great Christy Marx and the shows other writers for making me enjoy most of those episodes, grrrr!)

Um, where was I again? Oh, yeah…

Sorry, but the whole sappy dramatic movie of the week look of this unspecta-clueless trailer screams “Lifetime quickie flick!” more than something worth paying money to sit stupefied in front of. Hell, at least the live action Josie and the Pussycats flick didn’t go for schmaltzy “realism” at all. It wasn’t a good film at all either, but it at least went down in flames winking at itself. Anyway, Hollywood has been suffering from remake-itis for decades, but this cobbling of ancient cartoons and TV shows only boomers who haven’t grown out of them yet will recall with any sort of warm nostalgia (nope, that’s not a mild case of incontinence) is getting out of hand. Ah well. This one will pop up on cable within what, eight or nine months of its theatrical release? Probably. Will I watch it? Probably not. But curiosity has drawn many to many a train wreck, so as always… we shall see.

#TBT: Smart Advice For Stupid People, Kubrick Edition

Posted on September 10, 2015 by geelw

(Thanks, cladegaard!)

It may be hard to swallow for some of you out there, but here’s an uncomfortable (and thankfully, verifiable) fact: “American” isn’t a language. Never was, never will be. I guess some people into speaking their minds at every opportunity in front of a camera won’t ever grasp that being the loudest person in a room doesn’t make you at all correct in what you say. It’s amazing that some continue to get away with this stuff and flock in the irate, gullible sheep because of the VERY oddball belief that someone who has strong convictions about stuff means they’re somehow immune to being dead wrong every time they open their mouths. Of course, if those strong beliefs go against yours, that person is somehow an idiot. Even if they know more and are dead-on correct, too many out there won’t open their brains to fresh ideas because of fear and plain old ignorance.

If you’re somewhat cranky about that news flash above, go find someone who still believes without a shred of doubt (and less proof) that the earth is flat, the Matrix is real, or that Santa Claus isn’t a relative or very good friend running up his or her credit cards (or paying in cash if they have it handy). Holding onto as many untruths as possible as one ages only keeps the crap train alive too long and makes us less smart about things we need to let die off gracefully. Pulling the plug on the old ways is hard, yes. But that necessary mercy killing of dated thinking will surprise you in how it unlocks doors you’ve never even seen in that brain-shaped house in your head.

Also, regarding refugees seeking asylum: Anyone on the “Send ’em back so they can fight!” or other “not in my backyard!” tip should take those words and apply them to the Mayflower landing as seen from the perspective of the natives in that era. The world would most certainly be a far different place if that particular boat full of immigrants was turned away in anger, ladies and gents. Nope, I haven’t a hearty clue or a handy solution to this particular (but not *new* at all) problem other than to say ignoring or flat out erasing history has always been mankind’s main folly and we seem to never want to learn how not to dig these ruts in the first place.

Class dismissed.

The Violent Games Question Makes Me Want To Strangle Someone

Posted on August 18, 2015 by geelw

Ha and ha. Not really, but I am so tired of this nonsense getting regurgitated into news stories complete with clueless Joes and Janes on the street who come off as more ignorant than informed. If violent games make people violent, as someone who’s been playing them (as well as many others that aren’t violent) for decades, where’s my spot on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List? I’d say adults who beat their children and animals because they somehow think that they can comprehend yelling perfectly without being properly taught what right and wrong are would be bigger menaces to society than some kids who get their paws on games they’re too young to play.

THAT said, I’ll agree that some kids and adults with certain psychological issues can indeed be overstimulated by ANY form of violent OR even non-entertainment entertainment from music to movies to games. The recent APA study is flawed and like other studies that have attempted to directly (or indirectly, as the study finds “insufficient evidence” when all is said and done) link violent entertainment and violent behavior, makes claims the news media never really fact checks when it needs a hot story to grab some clicks. Ugh. Anyway, I’ll shut up now and get back to some actual work. I’d have posted my review of Dungeon Travelers 2 by now, but I’m waiting for the Vita USB cable I ordered to arrive. There are no blood and guts in that game at all, but it does have half-naked anime gals in it and my mind hasn’t been corrupted by that at all…

Tripping The Blight Fantastic: Four, Right In The Cinematic Trash Heap

Posted on August 9, 2015 by geelw

I’d actually started this post around two months back, but put it aside to work on other things. It was going to be a really lengthy point-by-point peek at why the film deserved to flop out, but I decided to not be so negative until I maybe saw the final product. It’s a good thing I waited because after seeing the film, everything I thought about writing happened and the movie was even worse than my cynical ass expected. But I don’t blame director Josh Trank (Chronicle) all that much because it very well seems the studio had more to do with the film being such a train wreck.

In my opinion, Fox needs to sell back or hand those rights over to a studio that can actually do something constructive with the characters. Too many hands went into what looks like rushed re-shooting and sloppy editing so what should have been another reliable summer blockbuster for fans has turned into a must-see exercise for film students as to what NOT to do. Or a note to creative types with vision to stay far away from licensed properties and a studio system that demands souls and final cut in exchange for some sort of loyalty. While the film is far from unwatchable, it’s not worth the cost of a ticket at all and more suited to cable or network TV. Then again, on a channel with commercials, trying to make sense of the film will be a total nightmare unless scenes are added back in to help things out. Continue reading →

Apple Watch Gold: Go Save Some Hungry Orphans Instead.

Posted on March 9, 2015 by geelw

Hey, it’s ONLY $10,000. Not including mandatory iPhone 6 so it actually works (!), service contract and whatever other other Apple charges they hit you with. Hell, if I’m paying that much for a watch (and I’m not), that thing better make me Dick Tracy on his Two-Way Wrist Radio (and later, Two-Way Wrist TV!) AND have a battery I can change myself. AND a damn protective case. The thing the I dislike so much about Apple products is for all the ads touting innovation and creativity and how awesome they make every aspect of your Apple life seem, treating the consumer like a dope who can’t swap out their own dead batteries (or maybe download a new OS on an older phone no longer supported even if it still works PERFECTLY) is just too condescending.

Imagine a car you HAD to drive all the way (or have towed) back to the dealership when you got a flat tire, needed wiper fluid or something else anyone an learn to do if they apply themselves. Sure, some people are total tech wipe-outs when it comes to maintenance. But not all of us who want a battery we can swap out are pirates, hackers, or whatever else Apple seems to be scared of. It’s a damn good thing they don’t make flashlights or toilet paper holders, people. Although, I hear there’s some sort of vehicle in development, so perhaps that flat tire and washer fluid thing WILL happen sooner that later. Damn technology is turning us all into Weebles and we don’t give a rat’s ass about it.

Eh, whatever. This thing will sell out all over from the basic model to this exorbitant golf truffle bar supremo. Perhaps I can go scout out a space in line at an Apple Store in NYC and make a mint selling that space to someone who REALLY wants this or any other Apple Watch? Well, I’d do that if I didn’t have more interesting things to tackle. That and I’m not THAT koo-koo (even thought I’m sure I’d make a nice chunk of change)…

Poltergeist Trailer: Ghosts in the Shell of the Pedigree of Diminishing Returns

Posted on February 6, 2015 by geelw

Okay, the only reason I’m giving this remake the time of day is because I like Sam Rockwell in anything he’s done. That said, I’m not sure Poltergeist needed a remake at all, given the original still holds up to a good extent as a classic horror film. Granted, with Sam Raimi producing and Gil Kenan (Monster House, City of Ember) behind the lens, this remake is bound to do a few really interesting things with the concept. At least we know there will be plenty of CG effects, some of which look like practical ones.

The main problem I see with the new film is what happens afterward. I’m gathering this is more a reboot that pretends the original film never existed as opposed to a remake that hints at the old film. Opinion time: the other films in the original series weren’t all that good and the TV series went way off into weird-land (although it did have and has a rather loyal fan base). If this does well at the box office (and it should), expect the inevitable sequel train to roll onwards. If there are sequels, I’d bet you a nickel that Rockwell won’t come back for seconds and has to be replaced by a new actor. Unless he’s needing a new house, boat or train (or all three) and can be easily nabbed to return for a bigger paycheck, of course. Of course, I can see Fox deciding to take this ghost train on the road and greenlight a sequel or sequels that follow other angry ghosts across America trying to get the point across that you don’t build your new housing on top of their old dead heads.

Eh, we’ll see what’s what soon enough. Color me tentatively intrigued for now.

Memo to Sony: make.believe You’ve Got Some Backbone.

Posted on December 19, 2014 by geelw

Hmmm. As stupid as this whole Sony hacking thing has been to try and avoid, now we’re at the stage where things get even weirder because it now has to be followed. Sony Pictures has decided to kill The Interview, pulling not only the film’s premiere this week, but the actual Christmas launch entirely. Of course, the company is being called out and called all sorts of names by other media companies. “Holy irony of ironies and if it were them, what would THEY do, Batman?” Answer: “Probably the same damn thing, old chum.” More on that in a second.

Anyway, things have gotten so wretched that even George R.R. Martin has chimed in with a LiveJournal post (wait, people STILL use LiveJournal?) chiding “Regal, AMC, and every other major theatre chain in the United States” along with Sony for caving hard over threats of potential violence and other protests had the film been screened anywhere in the U.S. of A. Good on you, George! Please don’t kill me off in a response, sir.

As for Sony, All I have to say is “Yikes!”... Continue reading →

On Sony: Oh, Baloney!

Posted on December 15, 2014 by geelw

Someone asked me last week what I thought about the recent Sony hack (allegedly from North Korean hackers upset about an upcoming movie) and I told him I’d have to get back to him on that because I wasn’t following the story at all. Well, I wasted a half hour looking it up and can safely say a hearty “Who Cares?” springs to mind.

I’d bet you a whole penny that EVERY entertainment company on the planet is stocked with executives behaving badly who say nasty things about people they know, don’t know or don’t care about after they leave their sight. Big deal. The fact that news organizations are bending over backwards to churn out daily updates on who said what about whom and how “bad” it all is in mind-blowing to me because it’s not only OLD news, it’s something anyone and everyone (who’s not a bald-faced liar) has done to someone else they’ve worked for or with… Continue reading →

E3 2014: Rise of the Tomb Raider: Off The Couch and Back To Business, Miss Croft!

Posted on June 11, 2014 by geelw

Ha. Sometime during a play through of that Tomb Raider reboot from last year, I recall thinking “Poor Lara is going to need a LOT of therapy after all the hell she’s going through!” and as it turns out, that’s how this trailer for Rise of the Tomb Raider opens. Set for a “Holiday 2015” release, most likely as a PC, PS4 and Xbox One game, I’ll gather the dark and stormy bits here mean the game will be packing some nasty weather and plenty of stuff blowing about in those outdoor locales, super-detailed visuals across all three platforms and the requisite pre-order bonuses and day one DLC we’ve come to expect.

Yeah, I’d rather pretend it’s 1996 all over again, and I was cracking open that shrink wrap on the original Core Design game not knowing what to expect outside of what a few glowing reviews noted. It’s not that I’m NOT impressed with the massive increase in power from these new consoles, mind you – it’s just that I prefer games I can pop in and play without thinking (or KNOWING) that I’m missing something important because I didn’t buy a specific edition at a specific retailer. Eh, I shouldn’t complain at all – it’s not as if Crystal Dynamics and Square Enix are shoving this out the door too early. That “holiday” dating and less platforms to program for means this one should be stellar no matter what it’s played on.

E3 2014: Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris: Your Action/Puzzle/Battle/Treasure Game is Coming Back!

Posted on June 11, 2014 by geelw

Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light was a refreshingly retro surprise back in 2010 (it was one of the better downloadable console games of that year, in fact), packing everyone’s favorite Tomb Raider into a fast-paced action adventure with an isometric viewpoint, co-op play and plenty of challenge. Developer Crystal Dynamics has finally revealed the sequel, Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris and it’s looking quite lovely indeed. Well, “lovely” in that “Holy crap, this game is TOUGH” manner in which you’re smiling while you’re playing it solo before calling up to three other friends to come over and give you a hand. My issue with this one is the same as the original: digital ONLY (boo!) and not available on the PlayStation Vita. of course, As this will run on the PS4, it would be nice to see some sort of cross-play feature on board just so publisher Square Enix could make a few more bucks, but I guess we’ll see what happens. I’m actually surprised this is ONLY for next-gen, as I can imagine those millions of PS3 and Xbox 360 owners out there who haven’t made the move to new consoles yet would love to spend some money on this one and more time with Ms. Croft and her new traveling companions. But what do I know? I’ve only been playing games since dirt was new…