Jem and the Holograms Trailer: Welcome To The Blonder-dome

Jem and the Holograms MPNot being a fan at all of the old cartoon and spending time watching a few too many old episodes over the last week or so makes me an easy judge of how this film will do at the box office. The answer is “terribly or worse” for a few key reasons. Reasons one and two: Based on poking around the internet and reading a few too many “totally outrageous!” comments, the older fans didn’t ask for it and the younger ones don’t really exist. That is, unless they have parents trying too hard to be their best friends and think this is a gateway to that friendship.

Cue the future news stories of kids possibly bumping off those parents in their sleep after being taken to see this turd.

It’s also perhaps somewhat sadistic (or masochistic, depending on how you angle that shoe mirror) of them if those parents dragging their tweens to this think it’ll be as “cool” as the show was only to find out they’ve been unfriended before or during the end credit roll. That’s going to be one long, looooong drive home from the multiplex is all I’m saying. (THAT said, okay, okay. I kind of liked the writing in some of the episodes, so I’ll blame the great Christy Marx and the shows other writers for making me enjoy most of those episodes, grrrr!)

Um, where was I again? Oh, yeah…

Sorry, but the whole sappy dramatic movie of the week look of this unspecta-clueless trailer screams “Lifetime quickie flick!” more than something worth paying money to sit stupefied in front of. Hell, at least the live action Josie and the Pussycats flick didn’t go for schmaltzy “realism” at all. It wasn’t a good film at all either, but it at least went down in flames winking at itself. Anyway, Hollywood has been suffering from remake-itis for decades, but this cobbling of ancient cartoons and TV shows only boomers who haven’t grown out of them yet will recall with any sort of warm nostalgia (nope, that’s not a mild case of incontinence) is getting out of hand. Ah well. This one will pop up on cable within what, eight or nine months of its theatrical release? Probably. Will I watch it? Probably not. But curiosity has drawn many to many a train wreck, so as always… we shall see.

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