Random Film of the Week(end): The Horror of Party Beach

Posted on May 17, 2014 by geelw

(thanks, Tommy Retro’s Blast From The Past!)

As it’s almost (but not quite) beach season (unless it’s summer when you’re actually reading this, then BEWARE!) here’s a cautionary tale for you hep cats and hip chicks looking for some fun in the soon to be summer sun: DON’T DO IT! Hell, I mean between the assorted oil and chemical spills and their assorted hasty to long term cleanups that just add MORE nasty chemicals to the waters around everywhere, you’re only bound to run into something monstrous coming out of the water (or heck, just IN the water) that wants to EAT. YOUR. FLESH! (Mua-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!, but somewhat true! Eeeek!).

Anyway, 1964’s Horror on Party Beach kind of predicted this modern age of old-school waste making hasty retreats for beaches everywhere, but the film was SO bad that no one listened because they were busy laughing their bottoms off as this bottom of the fish barrel “Z”-grade spook-tacular stunk up a theater near them… Continue reading →

?able Humor: Get Me Re(re)write!

Posted on March 23, 2014 by geelw

(thanks, frankpilarski!)

So, today I was bad, bad, bad. Well, just bad, but I think I tend to over-magnify stuff for excess emphasis. Anyway, I needed to go over some older posts and start the process of re-writing or re-rewriting them so some can be used as parts of a few upcoming blogathons I’m participating in. Some of the older posts are a wee bit on the short side and need a bit of expanding, so that’s what’s going on. Or WAS supposed to be going on.

Anyway, I was going over a few posts and then got distracted with a movie I’d wanted to see, so that was that for productivity for most of the afternoon. Yeah, it happens. NO, it wasn’t Star Crash, I was sidetracked by (Oh, hell nope!). That’s just to show my desire to stop time for long enough to do all the crap I need to do and feel HAPPY at the end of each day. Eh, I’ll figure this all out eventually. I still want a damn time machine, though.

As I update the older posts, I guess I’ll tweet them out (which means they’ll pop up on facebook as well). Keep an eye peeled…

Because You Need Something To Do: “The Phantom Creeps” Could Use Some Watching…

Posted on February 19, 2014 by geelw

(Thanks, Audiovisualchannel!)
Okay, okay… I’ve been too busy this week, but I needed to go see all those toys and games this week because that’s part of my Cure for Everything (TM) treatment when I start to feel aged and creaky. Hey, better fun stuff than draining the blood of “wer-gins” any day of the week, right? RIGHT? Anyway, enjoy the movie, people. I’m going to go have a small dinner and pass out for a spell after that…

The Expendabelles? Yikes. Shoot Me Now (Or At Least Hope Some Major Changes Are Made)…

Posted on February 6, 2014 by geelw

According to some sources I refuse to acknowledge because it just might happen, it looks as if there’s a female version of The Expendables in the works. Ugh, for a few reasons you’ll see if you read those links. Sure, it’s a fun idea and SURE, it’ll get ladies working in an action flick as something other than screaming eye candy or victims, but that current synopsis is awful, that fake poster tagline is WORSE and I can’t see this being anything that’s going anywhere but straight to Blu-Ray/DVD unless some of these potential cast members have a hand and foot in the rewrite room.

On the other hand, this IS a Hollywood project, so I can expect the casting to be a nightmare if this goes through, the shooting to be pure hell and the final product to be on par with the rest of this series, which is awful but campy fun as long as it’s not taken seriously. I guess the ONLY great thing here is no one is talking weekly TV series yet on either Expendables project. I’d have to head to California with a folding baseball bat in my suitcase if that ever happened…

Okay, I Need The Last Match On Blu-Ray/DVD. You Need It Too.

Posted on February 3, 2014 by geelw

(Thanks, bigdumbgoon!)

Thanks to the one two punch of The League of Dead Films‘ Professor Mortis (or maestro of daily ceremonies T.A. Gerolami) and a hilarious review over at Good Efficient Butchery, I now have a new “must-have” crap movie to track down. Hey, Martin Balsam and Ernest Borgnine are in it so how bad could it be, right? Those clips from The Last Match made my eyes check with my brain to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating and nope, I wasn’t). Granted, this won’t replace an ACTUAL good football movie, but I know what I’d be watching instead of the Super Bowl next year, that’s for sure…

I’ll admit now that it’s a sad passion of mine, these junky, badly made Grade-Z action flicks. But hell – they’re only a tiny part of what I watch, they keep me off the streets and they’re perfectly legal to own (well, provided they’re not bootlegged), so leave me alone or else I’ll bite ya. Besides, overdosing every so often on really bad films isn’t a harmful thing at all… unless you decide to use them as templates for a career (which would NOT be a very good thing). Anyway, the chances of this klunker getting a Criterion release are ZERO, but I bet the fine folks Shout! Factory just might be able to negotiate something and get this on a disc at some point. I’m not into online petitions, but I’ll sign one if someone goes to the trouble of whipping it up to get interest in this stinker.

Random Film of the Week(end): Death By Invitation

Posted on January 19, 2014 by geelw

(Thanks, Vinegar Syndrome Films!)

I’ve sat through no fewer than four films featuring witches and demons as a central theme over the past week and not all of them were good times, no siree, ma’am. Granted, 1971’s slow-moving sort of creepy Death By Invitation isn’t the best of the bunch and for modern horror fans with short attention spans or those looking for non-stop scares and CG blood gushing everywhere (blech!) this one may be Death By A Thousand Cuts.

That said, while it’s going to be more bore than gore to the younger ADD set, those who like slow-burning slightly cryptic fires should check this one out if only for Shelby Leverington, the sassy young thing playing the lead. Director David Friedman drags out this revenge tale that may only interest those who appreciate thinking a bit as they watch a film that pretty much sets up its entire plot during the opening moments and slowly gets to the point as it crawls along to the finish line…

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Saturn 3 Blu-Ray/DVD Bound: Heckling Hector and Company For Their Less Than Stellar Work…

Posted on October 13, 2013 by geelw

OK, I didn’t think it was possible, but it looks as if someone is actually putting the wretched mess Saturn 3 out on Blu-Ray. The otherwise great director Stanley Donen’s flawed folly of a feeble flick is headed out to retail on December 3, 2013 from the fine folks at Shout Factory.

This big budget sci-fi/horror non-epic non masterpiece (it’s not even a “so bad it’s good” experience) completely wastes the talents of all involved and is a total mess from start to finish. Thankfully, it looks as if the disc’s handful of bonus features just may save this one from being the “WTF did you get me this crap for?” movie of the year. Trust me, there’s not one redeemable quality about the theatrical version, but I know some movie fans find elements of this junk heap intriguing enough to want to go back and watch this a few too many times.

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Guillermo Del Toro Makes The Simpsons More Than Interesting This Year…

Posted on October 5, 2013 by geelw

OK, since the great burnout I had from this show a while ago, I haven’t watched an entire episode of The Simpsons in a few years. However, I’ve always made time to catch a bunch of the Treehouse of Horror shows over the years just to see haw far they go on that one night the Fox censors get tossed in the closet (or sent a bit further back than they usually get thrown). This year’s show is a must watch just for these awesome Del Toro-designed and directed titles, but now that I’ve seen them, it probably means I’ll be disappointed by the show that won’t live up to the eyeball riot on display above. I was playing “pick out the references” and yes, even got (and LOVED) Maggie driving THE CAR from that goofy 1977 film. From what I’ve read on a few fan sites, Del Toro has a custom built replica of that rolling purple/black bathtub, which also cracks me up as I’d rather him have that replica and drive it around any time he feels like it than go remake that stellar turd of a “horror” flick.

But of course, if he DOES go there at some point in the not too distant future… I bet it’ll scare the crap out of too many folks (me included)…

Humor? So, Microsoft Says NOT To Stand That Xbox One On Its Side… Or Else.

Posted on September 20, 2013 by geelw

Given that the current model Xbox 360 can indeed be placed upright (although it can lead to disc scratching if the surface it’s placed on isn’t perfectly level and subject to being bumped into while playing a game or watching a DVD), it’s a given that some owners of the upcoming Xbox One will be looking to do the same with Microsoft’s new system.

However, according to this GameSpot UK article, a company representative says vertical orientation isn’t how the new console was designed. Of course, there will be a ton of hard-headed or space in that entertainment center challenged gamers who won’t follow the company’s “suggestions” at all or try out that standing position just once to “see if it works”, and you can never stop those folks from doing what they do.

On the other hand, I personally feel that there’s another, far sinister reason they don’t want you to stand that thing up… especially if you happen to do so and place that new, improved Kinect on the now top part of the system and power the thing on. To wit (actual test footage stolen from a Microsoft test facility):

(thanks, Donald Carten!)

Remember, you’ve been warned!

Shout Factory Zaps Out Another “B”-Flick Sci-Fi Bundle…

Posted on August 16, 2013 by geelw

Nice. At a measly $6.95, these four sci-fi “classics” of assorted quality (mostly of the “so bad they’re awesome” variety) work out to a no-brainer “BUY ME!” price of $1.75 each, which is a BARGAIN if you love old cheese and don’t mind falling off your couch or chair in a heap a few times.

Of this new set of four, Reptilicus is pretty darn amazing as it fails on so many levels (to a jaw-dropping extreme, in fact) but makes for a surprising great visitor’s guide to Denmark’s nightlife (you’ll see). And of course, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die is completely mind-blowing in many ways for what it brings to the table. See it and you’ll get my stupid puns in that last sentence. I’ll make sure I’m out of town when you come to chase after me with a blunt object. The other two are also pretty awesome in that bad way, but it’s been a few years since I’ve seen either (which means I just may have to get this disc at some point)…

I actually didn’t know this the the second entry in this series of MGM non-masterpieces (calling them “classics” is a bit of a stretch that makes me smile and almost feel sorry for someone who grabs these thinking they’ve discovered solid gold in the trash heap). The first disc’s a doozy as well, but EVERYONE who considers himself a sci-fi or “B” movie fanatic needs to have seen Angry Red Planet and The Man From Planet X at least once before they flee this mortal coil.The again, if these are your bucket list flicks… you’ve either seen way too many movies or just not enough. Consider taking long walks (at least five miles a day) and drinking a gallon of prune juice a week. You’ll live longer than your buddies laughing at you for liking such lousy films.

“Why so serious?” You ask? Well, you might actually drop dead after seeing these flicks if you go in thinking they’re “great” and your brain rage quits on you, but hey, what’s life without a little risk, I say? Don’t choke on that popcorn either, stay away from diet soda and watch out for the cat when you plop down on the couch (it’s hiding under that big pillow again, me-ow!)…