I Dream of Tee Vee #2: Speed Racer, Menace to Motorsport!

 
Even as a kid, the opening credits to Speed Racer had me cracking up each time I saw Speed pretty much commit cartoon vehicular homicide on a daily basis when he rammed a fellow driver through a guard rail and sent him sailing off the track and crashing into the background (check out that evidence above). What I didn’t know at that time was that was the US version of the credits and in Japan, Speed was even more of a merry murderer. Granted, the other guys he kills in the original opening sequence below kind of deserve it for shooting at him and his shiny, gadget-packed Mach 5 (do you know how much it costs to replace that fancy curved windshield?). But I’d have simply dialed up the track police or something, pointed my car cam their way and shown what was happening rather that destroy a priceless fossil and kill them outright.

 
Of course, the body count on that old anime was hilariously large in just about every race to the point that I’m surprised whatever body that sanctioned those events wasn’t sued by next of kin and spectators who may have been “wiped out” in a wreck or by flaming debris flying into the stands. Just Google up “Mammoth Car” and see what I mean. I’d post part of that episode here, but I don’t want you kids up past your bedtimes. It IS a school night, you know…

Humor? “It’s Saturday! Let’s Go Dancin!”

I used to be one of THOSE people. Yeah, you know if you’re old enough and lived in a big enough city with clubs and nightlife. Yeah, I was a dancer… or a “dancer”, but not on a weekly basis like many, many others who caught the bug that turned into Saturday Night Fever or Dance Fever later on. I think I had the milder version that didn’t morph into Dance Disease, so I’m lucky. I didn’t do a LOT of clubbing with the intention to dance, as hey, no lessons plus terminal terrified shyness isn’t good for steppin’ out at all. Thus the wonders of booze loosening the brain and legs was discovered and some embarrassing flailing away for a few rapturous minutes later, one steps away from the scene, hot and sweaty and smiling at the effort put forth.

Eh, it always worked better in the cartoons. It took me a while to realize this until I got the flu ans camped out one weekend in front of the tube. Go Woody!, Go Daffy, Go Bugs! Too much of that and I was CURED, never to shake that tail feather again. This is how it should be for some and how it is these days. You want me to dance? You’d better be throwing some bills on the floor or have a gun with blanks pointed at my feet.

Guillermo Del Toro Makes The Simpsons More Than Interesting This Year…

OK, since the great burnout I had from this show a while ago, I haven’t watched an entire episode of The Simpsons in a few years. However, I’ve always made time to catch a bunch of the Treehouse of Horror shows over the years just to see haw far they go on that one night the Fox censors get tossed in the closet (or sent a bit further back than they usually get thrown). This year’s show is a must watch just for these awesome Del Toro-designed and directed titles, but now that I’ve seen them, it probably means I’ll be disappointed by the show that won’t live up to the eyeball riot on display above. I was playing “pick out the references” and yes, even got (and LOVED) Maggie driving THE CAR from that goofy 1977 film. From what I’ve read on a few fan sites, Del Toro has a custom built replica of that rolling purple/black bathtub, which also cracks me up as I’d rather him have that replica and drive it around any time he feels like it than go remake that stellar turd of a “horror” flick.

But of course, if he DOES go there at some point in the not too distant future… I bet it’ll scare the crap out of too many folks (me included)…

Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein Trailer: Kids Deserve A Better Monster Flick, I Say…

“It’s alive… it’s aliiiive!!”

I almost lost it earlier because I saw this in my inbox and thought it was a live-action and CG flick like those other modern films featuring The Chipmunks. Fortunately, it’s only a cartoon, but that doesn’t forgive Universal Studios for this one completely. Look, Frankenstein’s monster has been through animated hell enough already, so you’re not winning any friends among us crankier fans of your classic creations, people. Oh well, I guess it’s “better” than another Scooby Doo rehash (“Zoinks!”) or worse, some indie director trying to make a modern take on the classic book that misses the mark or cheap scares, core effects and a few nude scenes. *Yawn*… Well, this one’s another one I won’t be seeing unless it creeps up on cable and I happen to flip by as it’s beginning. Unless… this is actually an OLDER film and I got suckered by Universal into running it, as their YouTube channel has been running a LOT of trailers for a number of movies from their library recently… if so, oops!

Disney Is Turning That Movie Night Into Madness…

Oh, hell no. Or, Come on, REALLY? Yikes. Granted, this second screen experience thing will only be at selected theaters, so there’s that. On the other hand, what the hell is Disney thinking here? This high tech mash-up of Rocky Horror Picture Show and Winky Dink is going to piss a lot of people off who go in happy and smiling with the kids thinking it’s going to be sooooo cooool. only to realize that ONE person with an iPad in a theater is a nuisance… but a few hundred with them is a whole new distracting light source and aural experience you DON’T want to sit through. That and why not just allow people who already OWN this on home video to download that app, stay at home and not have to go through hell as a lab rat for this experiment in terror. Nothing like a theater full of squealing, singing and arguing kids with their hipster doofus parental units (or anyone else with kids who buys in thinking this will be any kind of thine resembling FUN) to make your evening REALLY “special”, right? You’ve been warned… this has been a public service announcement.

SCIENCE! Let’s Conduct A Little Experiment, Shall We?

(thanks, Ipmangas!) 

Here’s a simple test for those who think different types of media directly affect one’s behavior in every single case. Have the kids (or yourself) watch NOTHING but this classic Humphrey Bear short for an entire month and see if you become a lot less of a litterbug (and really great at doing cartoon dances). If you’re still tossing that fast food wrapper or soda can to the street or not cleaning up after the dog when you walk it, then you can shut up about little Johnny potentially becoming a mass murderer after he plays five seconds of a game rated above his age (which he shouldn’t be doing anyway if you’re a decent enough parental unit).

If, on the other hand, you’re humming that bouncy tune from the cartoon while scooping up trash wherever you go (and being very careful with any matchbooks you find)… well, you can throw every entertainment device in your home into that trash bin as well and go burn ALL of the books in your home while you’re at it. Can’t be TOO picky about where the kid will pick up a violent idea, right?

You Need Some Magic in Your Life. Let Mr. Bunny Fix You Up Right On a Monday…

Yeah, and you thought YOU had a hard day at the office. Imagine being the poor guy in the turban trying to turn a trick (heh) with that stupid rabbit foiling you at every turn. Think of this the next time the boos asks you to get out of bed at the crack of dawn to scoot downtown to pick him up those Cronuts he thinks he needs to survive (but will eventually put him into a diabetic coma because he’s eating too many a month). And no, I’ve never had a Cronut – I think people who desire them so are nuts. If they’re THAT good, they should be on sale in more places. Hmmm… I may need to drag my old butt out of bed one pre-bright and sunny one to check this fad out… hell, it’ll make a heck of an article, right?

Snoopy Was A Part Time Sleuth? Who Knew?

snoopy mystery

Well, well, well… and here I thought he was just a WWI Flying Ace, a failed author, a former owner of a multi-level underground doghouse fit for a billionaire (until it burned down!) and a few other cool things. My dad had this tote bag in storage with a bunch of other stuff and it’s a pretty cool find as I’ve never seen it until now. I did some quick research as I was typing this post and apparently there was indeed a TV special called “It’s A Mystery, Charlie Brown” – nice! I think it was also done as an illustrated book, but I’ll need to dive deeper into that research at some point.

(thanks, PeanutsOnline!) 

Granted, as old as I am, I probably SHOULD know this already, but I haven’t seen EVERY single Peanuts special and hey, I don’t have catching up on the ones I missed high on my to-do list. Actually… as I’m sitting here thinking about it… I do vaguely recall seeing this one, but it’s been over thirty years since so my memory is supremely hazy about those days. Anyway, the mystery of yet another old item is solved. 30 boxes of stuff to go. Yikes. Anyone want to help out here?

Fat (Albert) Tuesday, Too: Hey, Hey, Hey! Shout Factory Says Press “Play!”

Scene 215

INTERIOR: Shout Factory Mail Order Department

6/24/2013 APPROXIMATELY 1:54:36PM

(phone rings)
Hello, Shout Factory!
Ow. My. Ears. Dude.

Sorry. This IS Shout Factory, you know! How Can I help you today?!

Hang on, dude… let me get some cotton balls and half an earmuff… (sounds of drawer opening, followed by rattling noises)… OK, I think I’m better now.

That’s good to hear! So…How can I help you today?
Ehm, er… say there? Do you have Fat Albert in the can?

(*sighs*)…NO. sir, We don’t currently sell ANY of our videos in can form. However, you can buy Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids: The Complete Series, which has all 110 episodes of the classic show with Bill Cosby, Fat Albert, Rudy, Weird Harold, Mushmouth, Dumb Donald, Russell and, yes the Brown Hornet! 15 Discs, 39 hours, $99!
D’oh! Oh, COME ON NOW, You’re supposed to say “Yes, we do!” or something like that!

(*yawning*)… REE-aaalllly now? I did not know that! So, can I put you down for a copy of this set or what?
Blaaaaaaaaah! You’re no fun, grrrrr! I’ma go call the stupid drug store instead!! (slams phone down) *click!*
*Snicker…* Dopey kids and their ancient pranks! Boy, some people never learn!

Hi-Fye vs. Peggy Lee: Er, That About Covers It…

Well, I guess it’s a tie at the end of the day, as both versions are a hoot for their own reasons. Although, to be fair… I’d want to see Peggy try to do those crazy dance moves Fred Flintstone pulls off in that dress she’s wearing. Hell, I’d LOVE to see any human try that walking on the toes bit followed by levitating with more fancy footwork. You just know that somewhere at SOME point, some kid got a bit too loaded up on chocolate milk and tried to bust those moves before falling and busting something else instead. I bet a few over-aged kids had too many adult beverages or other college age stimulants and tried the same antics as well. I’d bet even more that it was the same kid who didn’t quite figure out cartoons work quite differently when you try to emulate exactly what you’re watching (no matter how many hits you’ve had)…

And no, that wasn’t an autobiographical post. My mind wanders through time (and spaaaaaaace!) when I don’t get enough sleep. That’s all…