TCM Wants You To Stay Up Late Weekends…With No Chaperone!

Posted on September 8, 2014 by geelw

Although unsupervised movie watching is ALWAYS a darn good idea in my book, TCM’s Underground kind of NEEDS a friendly yet slightly sinister guide to the treasures it holds within. Granted, the channel tried using a host in the past (Rob Zombie), but his tenure didn’t last all that long. I’d LOVE to do this job, as I know a bit about some of the films they run and don’t mind researching the ones I don’t know about. Then again, I’m not exactly the most exciting person on camera as I think I have an aversion to being filmed and I’m not at well-tempered enough to sit in a makeup chair (unless someone’s going to make me look like some monster from a 50’s “B” movie!).

Hmmm, perhaps a compromise is in order. I’ll pretend to host the films while watching at home (yeah, I’ll be talking out loud to my television. Quiet, you in the back!) and TCM can pretend to pay me for my efforts. Yeah, that should work out just FINE. La la la laaa. La la laaaa. I’m a STAR! (Cue the men in white coats in 3… 2… 1..)

Random Film of the Week(end): The Punisher (2004)

Posted on July 19, 2014 by geelw

(thanks, Flauntvids!)

When I finally got around to seeing the 2004 version of The Punisher last week, I was wondering how I missed this one back then in theaters (although I’d not pay a dime to see this flick) or on cable. Then I realized that the film came out when I was in a crazy jobless phase and had chopped out any ideas of spending money to hit the local theater (or any other theater for that matter) until I was back in the black.

Well, even if I’d wanted to see this gloomy and unintentionally hilarious (yet erratically violent) movie, I’d have chosen to save my money. While it works on a basic level of grunting guys saying unintelligible stuff before trying to out-kill each other, the film is far too uneven to be entertaining unless there’s someone on screen getting killed in a ridiculous manner. Where the first (and forgotten by most, save for the more die-hard Marvel movie fans) Punisher film from 1989 was an automatic camp cult classic thanks to Dolph Lundgren’s grumbling and mumbling through the role as sullen serial gangster murderer Frank Castle, some cheesy sets and laughable action scenes, this reboot tries a wee bit too hard to capture the mood of 70’s and 80’s action films to the point that it feels a wee bit outdated on a few fronts… Continue reading →

Madhouse Mondays: SOME New York City Employees Will Make You Lose Your Mind…

Posted on July 14, 2014 by geelw

It kind of figures that the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene has a Department of Vital Records where one needs to get a new or replacement birth certificate. Based on my experiences today with a few less than helpful people, I can clearly see why some see a trip to these official places to do the simplest of things can turn into the trip to mental hell. Crazy man, Crazy. I must have stepped on a black cat while walking under a ladder that a mirror had just shattered under after falling from my bag or something, as I ended up in the Coven of Ineffective Nepotism with the queen of the harpies as what they call “customer service”. Someone NEEDS to tell these people if I fill out a form as required AND bring in materials as requested AND have proof that I was emailed answers to the questions I’d asked (not once, but twice), I should be able to walk out of there with what I need and NOT my blood pressure much higher than it needs to be. To make matters worse, I was told flat out that “we don’t send out emails” when I noted that the lease with my signature on it WAS one of the items I was told I could use as proof of ID. Hell, all it would have taken to get me out of there was ONE phone call to the rental office to prove I’m who I say I was, as for some STUPID reason, they don’t take ANYTHING official with your name on it that’s past 60 days old… Continue reading →

This Sunday’s Kind of A Drag…

Posted on July 13, 2014 by geelw

(thanks, CoolCoolMovies!)

Oof. Well, today was kind of non-productive on a few levels, but that’s probably a good thing. I’m still toiling away on a bunch of stuff (some reviews, a few post CE Week articles and some brief impressions of a few games I saw recently), but I have a kind of kooky week coming up and am conserving energy for some of these events. As the weather folks say it’s going to be a bit of a thunderstorm-y start to the week, that means I need to break out the broken umbrella and keep my paws crossed that it survives the early Monday morning trek I need to make.

As for that clip above, it serves double duty as description and hilariously violent reminder that there was a Punisher movie (from 2004) I’d actually never seen before last night. I found it to be pretty terrible overall (a lack of dialog, humor that doesn’t work properly and some odd casting choices make it more “interesting” than watchable), but you do get to see John Travolta’s evil Howard Knight character get bumped off in a really creative manner. Hey, I was laughing through the bulk of the action scenes here and while the film is quite heavy on the carnage, it still doesn’t beat The Punisher: War Zone for pure nastiness and mean-spirited (or REALLY over the top and hilarious) violent content. Not that I’m in a violent mood or anything, folks – bad movies of all types just make me laugh a lot when I need to…

Hmmmm. I think I need some ice cream or something… back in a bit.

Random Film of the Week(end): The Horror of Party Beach

Posted on May 17, 2014 by geelw

(thanks, Tommy Retro’s Blast From The Past!)

As it’s almost (but not quite) beach season (unless it’s summer when you’re actually reading this, then BEWARE!) here’s a cautionary tale for you hep cats and hip chicks looking for some fun in the soon to be summer sun: DON’T DO IT! Hell, I mean between the assorted oil and chemical spills and their assorted hasty to long term cleanups that just add MORE nasty chemicals to the waters around everywhere, you’re only bound to run into something monstrous coming out of the water (or heck, just IN the water) that wants to EAT. YOUR. FLESH! (Mua-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!, but somewhat true! Eeeek!).

Anyway, 1964’s Horror on Party Beach kind of predicted this modern age of old-school waste making hasty retreats for beaches everywhere, but the film was SO bad that no one listened because they were busy laughing their bottoms off as this bottom of the fish barrel “Z”-grade spook-tacular stunk up a theater near them… Continue reading →

Okay, I Need The Last Match On Blu-Ray/DVD. You Need It Too.

Posted on February 3, 2014 by geelw

(Thanks, bigdumbgoon!)

Thanks to the one two punch of The League of Dead Films‘ Professor Mortis (or maestro of daily ceremonies T.A. Gerolami) and a hilarious review over at Good Efficient Butchery, I now have a new “must-have” crap movie to track down. Hey, Martin Balsam and Ernest Borgnine are in it so how bad could it be, right? Those clips from The Last Match made my eyes check with my brain to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating and nope, I wasn’t). Granted, this won’t replace an ACTUAL good football movie, but I know what I’d be watching instead of the Super Bowl next year, that’s for sure…

I’ll admit now that it’s a sad passion of mine, these junky, badly made Grade-Z action flicks. But hell – they’re only a tiny part of what I watch, they keep me off the streets and they’re perfectly legal to own (well, provided they’re not bootlegged), so leave me alone or else I’ll bite ya. Besides, overdosing every so often on really bad films isn’t a harmful thing at all… unless you decide to use them as templates for a career (which would NOT be a very good thing). Anyway, the chances of this klunker getting a Criterion release are ZERO, but I bet the fine folks Shout! Factory just might be able to negotiate something and get this on a disc at some point. I’m not into online petitions, but I’ll sign one if someone goes to the trouble of whipping it up to get interest in this stinker.

Random Film of the Week: Private Lessons

Posted on January 20, 2014 by geelw

Hollywood just did not know what to do with Sylvia Kristel. By the time the Dutch actress made it to America a few years after becoming a worldwide star (well, everywhere except here in the US) from her appearance in and as Emmanuelle and two sequels, she ended up working in a few American movies that ranged from passable to flat out wretched. 1981’s Private Lessons is one of those flat out wretched ones, a “sex comedy” that’s not erotic or amusing at all, but pretty unsettling and when seen in light of modern views of its subject matter, just plain wrong.

Of course, I have to confess that I saw this way back when it was released with some like-minded friends and we though it was going to be the thrill of the late summer only to end up crawling out of the theater in need of a shower and a Men In Black style memory wipe. There’s just a layer of head-shaking offensiveness here that only those with low to no morals would find “thrilling” or even remotely “sexy”. Then again, I don’t want to make poke at someone’s particular proclivities ’til they pop. If this dreck does it for your own tastes, more power to you then. On the other hand, given that real people have gone to real jails for doing what happens here in real life, that fine line between movie fantasy and stark reality is stomped on and wiped away long before this trash-fest is over…

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Random Film of the Week: THE DARK

Posted on January 17, 2014 by geelw

(Thanks, AussieRoadshow!)

John “Bud” Cardos’ one hundred and ten percent wretched sci-fi horror flick The Dark is one of the best reasons for better movie theater security guards and well-caffeinated ticket booth clerks. I paid to see this R-rated waste of time when I was 15 and it was four bucks I still want back. This is one of those “so bad it’s worse” “cult” films that boggles the mind as to not only how it got made, but how it got into theaters. And this is coming from someone who loves crappy movies to death.

Allegedly, Tobe Hooper was in on this mess as the initial director before being replaced by Cardos, but I’d gather he split or was canned because whatever script was presented to him scared him off. Or he was merely killing time before *not* directing Poltergeist a few years later (*ziiiing!*). This won’t be a long and loving look back at this dopey flick, so don’t get too comfortable. In every way possible, this film reeks of people showing up to work just to collect whatever paycheck was promised them (and probably some drugs as well), and that’s a shame…

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I, Frankenstein Trailer: Me, Annoyed To No End, Actually…

Posted on October 7, 2013 by geelw

I was going to to this whole post in a sort of Solomon Grundy/Chief Wild Eagle “voice”, but that would be SO incredibly non PC that I’d have comic fans AND native American protesters lined up outside the home office. Hey, MORE traffic is good for my site, folks… but not traffic that wants to run you over for real, (ha, ha, ouch!)… ANYWAY, yuk. I do not like this upcoming “horror”/action flick one bit because it reminds me on those increasingly harder to sit through Underworld movies and other so-called horror/action blockbusters that cater to the forgiving crowd that only knows traditional monsters from more modern film efforts. Granted, I could be wrong and this one could be a big surprise. But on the other hand and foot, all those CGI monsters, fiery spiral explosions and fast cuts don’t promise much other than a film that will make your brain feel as if it’s been forcefully removed from your head by a cockeyed hunchback and placed into the body of a person who just forgot what he or she spent that ticket money on an hour and a half ago.

Oh, great… now I have Underworld fans on my ass now. But that’s OK. I’ll fight them in the pouring rain (by not showing up and sending the pack of rabid raccoons and Go Go Gophers I keep in the spare room here), which will wash their goth mascara into their eyes and make the street slippery so they’ll fall on their asses in those cheap shoes they bought from Hot Topic with the no good for rain soles. Yeah, I’m a bad man… but you asked for it.

Random Film of the Week(end): The Devil Within Her

Posted on April 28, 2013 by geelw

Bad horror movies come in all types, but 1975’s The Devil Within Her (or I Don’t Want to Be Born) gets its own special place in film history for a few reasons. As you’re watching it and being completely baffled, amused and probably annoyed at what’s onscreen, you’ll probably wonder just what the hell got some very talented actors to commit to such an incredibly dumb movie. Just get a good look at that poster to the left and yes, your brain is popping already, right?

Then again, trying to make sense of this complete and utter mess is nothing but futile, as the movie does possibly the worst job at explaining its craziness in the first place. A “possessed” baby with super strength, a killer dwarf (or is it the baby?), a few bizarre murders (some of which are hilarious and/or unexpected), strippers, an exorcism and plenty of baffling dialog make this one an instant classic (provided you’ve got a good sense of humor)…

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