The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Main Trailer: The Little People, Back At Work Again…

Er, NO… that’s not what the idiots who look down on us from D.C. will be thinking once they come to some of their senses and stop scaring the hell out of half the country with their needless grade school tantrum antics. It’s the official trailer to the second part of Peter Jackson’s latest Middle-Earth saga. I still need to see the first one (and thankfully, cable will be taking care of that soon enough), and I don’t plan to pay to see this one in a theater at all, but I’ll shoot over to a screening if I can get a pass. Speaking of getting a pass, I’m kind of burned out on these literary epics anyway, but I’d LOVE it if someone were to challenge making a great film our of something like Alfred Bester’s The Stars My Destination, Stanislaw Lem’s Eden, something from an Asimov or Bradbury WITHOUT messing it up with stupid action scenes and terrifically inappropriate casting decisions. Hell, make a serious animated flick for the cost of some overpaid superstar and I’m a happy camper.

Granted, SELLING that sort of creative film project to an challenged audience who wants to see those star faces and CG explosions is the real rub to deal with…

Need For Speed Trailer: Put it in “Park”, Pinkman…

(thanks, joblomovienetwork!) 

Oh, this is going to hurt, but here goes. We really do NOT need… a Need for Speed movie. Seriously. Aaron Paul may be a hot star thanks to Breaking Bad, but this soon to tank out effects-filled gasser isn’t going to gain him any fans unless they’re too young to watch him as Jesse but right in the clutches of this upcoming car flick. Not that it’s supposed to be a big thing to see an actor come off such a huge TV show ride as BB and make the leap to Oscar bait right away, mind you. I predict this will do well on opening weekend if there’s no Fast and the Furious flick rolling out at the same time, but anyone lining up looking for character depth may as well play Need for Speed: The Run, which was EA’s attempt at making a racing game play like a movie… and it didn’t work all that well despite the best of intentions. I’d laugh if there were a game tie-in on a console (I can definitely see a cheap app popping up, though) at some point next year. We gamers don’t have THAT short a memory (well, I sure don’t)…

Oh well, I’ll shut up now with my predictions and let this one find its level. If it’s in YOUR wheelhouse, enjoy the show. Me, I’ll hold out for the cable premiere and kick myself later if I was incorrect in my forecasting…

Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein Trailer: Kids Deserve A Better Monster Flick, I Say…

“It’s alive… it’s aliiiive!!”

I almost lost it earlier because I saw this in my inbox and thought it was a live-action and CG flick like those other modern films featuring The Chipmunks. Fortunately, it’s only a cartoon, but that doesn’t forgive Universal Studios for this one completely. Look, Frankenstein’s monster has been through animated hell enough already, so you’re not winning any friends among us crankier fans of your classic creations, people. Oh well, I guess it’s “better” than another Scooby Doo rehash (“Zoinks!”) or worse, some indie director trying to make a modern take on the classic book that misses the mark or cheap scares, core effects and a few nude scenes. *Yawn*… Well, this one’s another one I won’t be seeing unless it creeps up on cable and I happen to flip by as it’s beginning. Unless… this is actually an OLDER film and I got suckered by Universal into running it, as their YouTube channel has been running a LOT of trailers for a number of movies from their library recently… if so, oops!

Dracula 3D Trailer: If This One Sucks, The Punsters Won’t Have Far to Look For Work…

(thanks, CineFix!) 

Hmmm… has adding the term “3D” to ANY film actually made it better? I can say a hearty “nope” and be smugly satisfied with that, but I know some of you will note that animated films get away with this all the time. OK, you may win on that technicality, so let’s narrow it down a wee bit: Has adding the term “3D” to any HORROR film actually made it better? Or are you just sitting there watching stuff fly at your face while wearing silly glasses and not really being scared? I thought so. Okay, maybe that gimmick DOES work in a few flicks, but Dracula shouldn’t be one of them. Oh well, I still think Asia Argento probably deserves much better work these days that being stuck in the upteenth reworking of Bram Stoker’s classic vampire tale, but I’ll hold off putting a stake through this one until I see it for myself… on cable.

Escape Plan TV Spot #1: No Movie For Old Men… Uh, Oh… Too Late!

Or “I’m Getting Too Old For This $#!t!”. Or “Stop, Or My Hip Will Go Out!”. or “Aged Whine and Cheese”… and so forth and so on (I thought up about fifteen other titles). Yeesh, I don’t know who the target audience for this is other than those in on the joke or delusional people close to my age who still think these two aging granite-faced coots are going to be doing stunt work they’ve never done previously AND making a decent movie chewing up the same scenery together. Then again… I bet no one is seeing this for the “acting”, right? RIGHT?!

Yeah, I thought so…

Hmmm. If it were a flick packed with more former action heroes around the same age in that space prison trying to get out, mayyyyyyyyybe it would be good for a chuckle. On the other hand… that’s probably the plot of The Expendables 7, coming to a theater near you in oh, about three years (or two, if it’s straight to video, no chaser)…

Random Film of the Week(end): The Bad Sleep Well

(Thanks, Criterion Trailers!)

 

The Bad Sleep Well 1Of all Akira Kurosawa’s films set in contemporary Japan, The Bad Sleep Well (Warui yatsu hodo yoku nemuru) and High and Low (Tengoku to Jigoku*) are probably my two favorites. Nope, I can’t choose between either as better thanks to both doing what they do so darn well in the hands of the master director. I’ll get to the latter film in a separate post, so let’s get to some “Bad” business from this point on.

In addition to powerful performances from a great cast led by Toshiro Mifune, the film packs one of Kurosawa’s most abrupt and shocking twists in exactly the right spot that’s still one of the best collective gasp moments I can recall in a film that wasn’t a jump-scare packed horror flick. I first saw this during its revival in the 1980’s and the big twist sucked all the air out of the small theater and had people talking about it afterwards in a coffee shop afterwards as they debated the scene’s impact and how “un-Hollywood” it was.

While it clocks in at a hair over 2 1/2 hours, Kurosawa’s assured direction makes every single moment count. A great deal of intriguing ground is covered as the film lets loose on Japan’s corporate culture of the era, mixing in film noir, romance and detective story elements before a quietly dramatic finale that demands you’ve paid attention to everything that came before. If you’re one of those types who hops up to hit the restroom or get snacks at home, make sure to stomp on the pause button on your DVD player, as missing a few seconds can mean you might not grasp another scene’s impact later on…

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More Apologies: My Split Seconds in 16 Seconds of Fame…

OK, I didn’t expect this, but oh well… I’m slightly (well, OK… well, not really) “famous” again. Those of you who know me will want to look closely, as I’m in this 16 second teaser for Toho’s upcoming 謝罪の王様 (King of Gomen Nasai or The Apology King) in two spots. It’s not the first time I’ve been in a TV commercial, but it’s my first Japanese ad. Um… I think. I also went to a preview for a film about a ywar and a half back that was filmed, but I never checked to see if an ad came from that one. Anyway, if you happen to be IN Japan (and I know a few folks who are), feel free to see this funny flick that opens on September 28, 2013 there. Here’s another bit from the film (I’m not in this one, so watch it this time!):

By the way, my droogies… I have not a single solitary clue if Toho is looking at US distribution, but I think they should as it’s quite a hilarious slice of Japanese culture and packs a few nice surprises along the way.

The Monkey’s Paw Trailer: Wash Yourself of That Hand!

Yeesh, how OLD is this story? Let’s see now, W.W. Jacobs wrote it in 1902, according to Wikipedia (and they’re NEVER wrong, right? Heh.) and it’s been mangled into other stories, films, TV shows and comics ever since. Warner Bros. and Chiller Films are bringing it back in this new flick that doesn’t look all that “scary” to me, but hey – you may be shaking in your shoes right about now. Not sure if this is in theaters in October or straight to video, as I’ve only found one poster link and it doesn’t have any rating info on it at all. Well, it’s not as if I’ll go see this… but YOU might want to. More details to follow at some point. I love a good mystery… but only to a point.

Gonzo Made a Bayonetta Anime Movie. That’s All You Need to Know (For Now)…

Bayonetta_BF 

If my mangling is correct, Bayonetta: Bloody Fate is supposed to hit selected theaters in Japan on November 23. Of course, a US release isn’t even being considered, but it’s sure to get a Blu-Ray/DVD at some point down the road with a sub and or dub. Of course, in a perfect world this flick would at least get snapped up for distribution here, but mostly traditional animation like this doesn’t do well in the US. Hell, even if every fan of the game went all at once, that box office won’t touch the usual Hollywood rom-com or big budget blockbuster that’s going to be spanking poor Bayonetta with that advertising overspend.

That said, yup… It does look really nice, doesn’t it? Go, Gonzo! Now, all I need is a US release date for Bayonetta 2 on the Wii U and I’m all set.

The Last Days on Mars Trailer: Venus Envy

(thanks, movieclipsTRAILERS!)

I bet these doomed astronauts WISHED they were on Venus or somewhere else safer and less genre-fied, as even this upcoming flick’s title seems to note that there won’t be many (or ANY) survivors when all is said and done. Of course, rocking an Alien vibe is either a good sign or some trailer-esque editing that makes this LOOK like a bit of a too close to the bone reworking. But as usual, we shall see. Although I always laugh nowadays when I hear those “stingers” used in movie trailers on the soundtrack. It’s like whatever has invaded the ship is wearing a portable keyboard and is playing that sound effect as it stalks around the ship. SURVIVAL TIP: Stay in the nearest closet with a blunt object, and when the monster walks up or by and hits that note, slam that door open and give it the what for with your hammer or whatever. Roll credits.