The Green Inferno: Eli Roth Lets The “Save The Planet” Crowd Have Both Barrels…

green_inferno_xlgSo, what’s up in the jungle, Jim? Not much but lots of death and leftovers! Anyway, here’s the plot of this upcoming horror flick, suitable for no one under the age of slashenteen without a cast iron stomach:

A group of college students take their humanitarian protest from New York to the Amazon jungle only to get kidnapped by the native tribe they came to save. A tribe that still practices the ancient tribal rite of cannibalism, with a healthy appetite for intruders.

(thanks, Movieclips Trailers!) 
Well, there goes my plans to visit even the nearest sunny park around here at this point. Guaranteed to cause all sorts of outrage when it’s released (mostly among people who won’t see it under any circumstances, I’d bet), The Green Inferno is a throwback to the gory glory days of exploitation horror films and nope, I’m not planning on seeing this in a theater at all.

If I do decide to commit to this flick and it’s NOT a media screening with relatively normal people in attendance squealing and hiding under the seats, it’ll be in the comfort of my own home where I can shut it off and find something else to do if I’m feeling queasy. I’m gathering the home video and/or cable versions will have more footage and on disc, I’d hope there’s a nice behind the scenes documentary that gets into how this was made. I didn’t make it through Cannibal Holocaust (this film’s inspiration) in one sitting, but I think I can handle this… I think… (cue creepy music that gets me wanting to go watch a Caillou box set instead on a permanent loop)…

Sabotage Trailer #1: Deja Vu, But Arnold Wants Me To…

 
I know I ran this trailer for Sabotage sometime last year, but since Arnold posted it on his YouTube page, I have to run it here again or he’ll come here and punch a hole in the front door again. Actually, I wouldn’t mind that at all as he always pays for a new door afterwards. Hmmm… perhaps I can have him punch a hole in the bathroom wall near that pipe that’s now loose thanks to the idiots who installed that fish piss replacement shower head? Nah, Arnold wouldn’t fall for that at all. He’s too busy getting in other trouble to get out here anyway, I’d bet…

Sabotage Trailer: Nobody Gives Him (Another) Raw Deal (But Me)…

Ah, the Ah-nuld resurgence continues, I suppose. Yeah, this upcoming (April 2014) flick looks nice and gritty and it certainly has a pretty surprising cast in some respects (Mireille Enos as an action heroine?!). But I always start up my cable countdown clock when I see one of these trailers because it’ll be the usual two to three weeks at or near the top of the box-office charts before being bumped off by the next blockbuster or surprise indie hit, then three or four months later onto Blu-Ray and a few months after that it’s popping up as a surprise early premiere (hopefully on a cable channel I can access at home).

Annnnd of course, Arnold is now pissed off at me for this post, as I found out sooner than I’d liked (as in as I was typing):
 
Hey, Mister Angry Dude, you’ll live. TO quote Mister Freeze: “Chillllll…” Now get back to counting your money or something. You certainly don’t need my seal of approval at all. I’ll see your escapist flick soon enough (well, on my own schedule)…

Machete Kills… Some Time (If You’re Up To Another Trip to Camp Value)…

machete killsWelp, I knew this wasn’t going to be Gone With The Wind (unless you count how long it lasts in theaters, ha, ha), but it’s here, ready and more than willing to take some dollars from your wallet and beat you senseless with its non-stop Rodriguez-ness. I guess I’ll see this like I did the original Machete – on cable, and surprised that I didn’t know it was premiering so soon. Amusingly enough, I had a weird dream about Sofia Loren and Sofia Vergara standing next to each other on a subway giving each other the once over and I woke up laughing because by the same point in their careers, Loren had done the sexpot thing as well as more mature acting work and had multiple awards and international acclaim. Sofia needs to step it up, methinks… although you big fans of her body of work (Ah. Ha. Ha.) will probably disagree. On the other hand, Danny Trejo looks like he fell down a mountain on is face a few too many thousand feet, but that mug has brought him fame, fortune and a variety of roles that has cemented him a place in the hearts of many. Er, sort of. Given that he dies a lot in the stuff he makes, it’s finally good to see him playing a somewhat invincible dude you don’t want to mess with!

Side Effects May Include Me Wishing This Was A Different Sort of Movie…

 

OK, it may be a great new flick when all is said and done (that trailer is quite tantalizing, that’s for sure), but as soon as I head the title a few months back, I actually thought Hollywood finally caught up to me and my bright ideas. I’d always imagined something called Side Effects being a David Cronenberg or David Fincher film about some pharmaceuticals gone haywire years after they were tested on people not realizing they were part of some massive and illegal field study. Oh well, my idea is safe as long as I don’t do something REALLY stupid like post it on the internet!

Oh, wait… $#!t. Eh, whatever. Not like anyone is going to do ANYTHING like that anytime soon, right? Oh, wait… $#!t.

Helloooo, Nurse! Silent Hill Goes The Horror House Route At Universal Studios

“This is not a game. This is not a movie. This is real. And guests will be tormented by horrifying creatures from an alternate dimension, including the iconic deformed nurses and the executioner. “

 

So, Universal Studios is adding a Silent Hill theme to its hugely popular Halloween Horror Nights attraction at its Universal Studios Florida and Hollywood locations. That’s a good thing or a bad one, depending on how much you like being scared silly by things that go bump in the night. Personally, I’ve never really been scared at any horror house I’ve been to most likely because I have a pretty morbid sense of humor to begin with and tend to elbow anyone who tries to do a “jump out’ scare on me in the eye. I also know that at the end of the day everyone going in will come out alive (soiled shorts optional) and all those mask and makeup wearing guys and gals putting the fear of fear into the heads of those who show up are making an honest buck.

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