I don’t think I’ve ever returned a holiday gift as an adult. I do recall as a kid getting scooped up by one or both parental units and being taken to a big store (was it Alexander’s or Korvettes? Maybe both?) the day after Christmas to return stuff that didn’t fit or exchange that extra pair of jammies for something more useful.

As I got older and wiser (although that’s debatable according to many people), something smart in the squishy computer kicked in and I started asking people for EXACTLY what I wanted provided they were open to buying me a present. I haven’t looked back since. Hey, I’m getting old and life is too damn short to be running around like a happy headless chicken with a plastic smile glued on for all occasions.

Yeah, yeah. To some of you (and probably too many of you), Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus or whatever (else) you celebrate is supposed to be chock full of surprises on the gift front. Me, I prefer the predictability of not needing to drag my lazy behind out of bed on a bleary day and huff-hoof it to the malloverse in order to stand in a long line just to swap a bad tie for another one or some stop ’em in their tracks cologne for a discounted set of equally smelly gift-boxed soap I’ll only use in a really dire emergency. That’s just not fun. “What do YOU consider fun?” you ask? “Fun, natural fun!”, I would answer (followed by “shut up and dance”). My suggestion is you who hate the grind of shopping and shipping only to have to lift and shift unwanted goods around the until you get what you want is to try being a little more forward when you need to ask for something. You’d be surprised at how efficient your life just became.

You’re welcome.

Oh, and if someone gives you an unasked for melon baller as a gift, keep it and use that $#!+ as a coffee scoop. What you want and what you need are sometimes interchangeable, but in some cases re-purposing makes even the worst present a good deal more useful.