Dicky Moe! | "DESTROY ALL FANBOYS!"

Hmmm. On one hand, I don’t want to see In The Heart of the Sea in a theater because that means going in with people who know nothing about the true story of the whaling ship Essex and what happened to it and its crew sitting down and expecting some sort of action movie version of Moby Dick, a book that to some is nearly incomprehensible by modern standards. I’m betting myself a shiny new penny that most of the short attention spanners also don’t remember The Perfect Storm and its bleak (but somewhat too heroic to be plausible) finale that went for uplifting (in more ways than one, ha!) just so audiences would leave the theater in a somewhat more together condition and not drowning in all those salty tears.

On the other hand, it’s all that expensive CG work in the trailer and nothing at all in the commercials about the more horrifying aftermath where bad navigational decisions led to the Essex survivors forced to choose a little bit of cannibalism after weeks at sea that bugs me even more. Although I do wonder if fresh leg of man is safer than a movie theater hot dog globbed with chili and unnaturally orange “cheez”. Yeah, that’s a happy holiday film (and perfect Oscar bait) for your consideration, right?
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OK, I have a really good sense of humor and I’m a terrible non-prude, but I just HAVE to ask who decided to run these two dopey cartoons on the same day last week (and right above each other). Granted, I don’t read many newspapers much these days thanks to the lack of actual NEWS and focus on overly opinionated “journalists” (read: supremely loony egomaniacs) with an axe to grind trying to whittle anyone they see fit down to size that they don’t happen to like for whatever damn kooky reasons they’re wrong about if they got their heads out of the clouds and ass (amazing how they can do that, huh?) and actually wrote sans bile and other junk in their eyeballs.

But I digress (as usual)… Anyway, Gary Larson was at least regularly funny and stopped doing his fine work when he ran out of steam. These not-so great pretenders are good for a chuckle at best, but the retread rate has gone off the scale, I say. Of course, neither cartoon is really “offensive” at all…but what KID under ten has EVEN read Moby Dick? I guess everyone stares at boobies at some point, so maybe that one works on that level. I can’t tell, as I’m typing this in public and I was distracted… (*beet*… BUSTED!)…

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