Yeah, yeah, we NORMALLY do our Saturday Evening Post about the swingin’ Swery65 Bar, but I just got an URGENT call followed by an email from Greenvale’s own Sheriff George Woodman, who’s a bit pissed off at me. OK, he’s REALLY pissed off at me and he’s probably got a good reason for that. Hey, I’m just trying to make these updates as entertaining as possible, so I tend to stretch the truth a little. Anyway, he’s mad because I’ve been portraying him as a bad-ass apple practical joker who’s mean, cranky and always going after FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York!) in some not so good ways. Anyway, George wants you to know that he’s a really nice guy and has a VERY sensitive side few get to see because he’s SUPPOSED to be a tough no-nonsense sheriff and isn’t supposed to be a super “nice” guy when he’s ON the job. Anyway, a few more things about George you should know (according to him):

To all the single ladies in the house, he likes long walks on the beach, classical music and fine dining (despite Greenvale not having a beach or wine being served at the A&G Diner where he can be found nearly every day – those home fries are killer!). George also writes the occasional poem or song and, hey… he even sent along an email with some sample lyrics from something he’s done recently to show he’s got a good sense of humor about himself:

Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
Cause I speak of the pompat…

HEY, wait a minute there! Those are the opening lines from that classic rock song The Joker by the Steve Miller Band! Damn you George… you almost got me, too. Hmmm. I just got another email from him with a picture – he’s giving me the finger and sticking his tongue out in it. Yeah, he’s a TOTAL jerk after all, folks…

Still, don’t let that stop you one bit from pre-ordering your own copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Featuring updated visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content and more, you’ll absolutely love the game for the stuff outside of Woodman’s little power plays for your undivided attention. I think he’s just ticked off that York is getting more attention than he ever has. Personally, I really do think there’s something wrong with the guy, (but don’t you DARE tell him I said that as I think he’s got quite a mean streak)…

Still, I guess it was fine working for a famous big shot Game Director like Swery 65 (shown here with another famous big shot game director, Suda 51), as I can’t recall ANY reports of on-set problems while the game was being made. Sure, a few makeup and catering people went missing (and have never been found), but you know how it is in this business with a high turnover rate among certain types of low-level employees, right? Hmmm… maybe I should do some more digging on this Woodman character, as York seems like he’s a bit tied up with that Red Seeds Killer case and I think he could use some assurance that ol’ George isn’t a suspect…

It’s Friday in Greenvale and it’s been a long, long week for Emily, York and George as they’ve been dealing with the rather annoying Red Seeds Killer and his murderous ways. You can’t have a successful tourism business if people who show up in town never leave. Granted, you DO get friends and relatives from other areas coming in for funerals or to claim the remains, but that’s not what your otherwise sleepy town needs to be known for, I’d gather. Anyway, in this screen, Emily is looking forward to getting home and out of that uniform into a hot bath with a good book and a glass of wine. York is looking forward to getting to the bottom of this damn case and putting the killer (or killers) behind bars or in a nondescript pine box. And George? Well, he’s looking forward to when York gets back to his hotel room and finds out he’s had a KICK KILL ME sign taped to the back of his jacket all day. If this were a sitcom, that scene would play out something like this:

Interior: YORK’S motel room, Greenvale.
YORK comes in, shuts door and takes of jacket. Hanging it on the door he sees the taped on sign George put there that morning when he slapped him on the back.

YORK (pulls sign off jacket, looks at it, makes a face and shakes his fist at the jacket hanging on the door): “Woodman!” (cue laugh track)…

Oh, that George! What a cut-up…

Of course, you can make sure you keep a good eye on George Woodman and his antics when you pick up a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Updated HD visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, an all-new scenario and more will all help you make sure Woodman’s less of a pest than he normally is. Then again, I’m betting you won’t care much about what George is trying to put ON your back than you will be about the Red Seeds Killer trying to put IN your back. Paying attention to the big picture means a lot more living to look forward to, I’d say.

And of course, Game Director Swery 65 is DEFINITELY looking forward to all of you enjoying his game or not enjoying it, then debating with DP fans about what makes it so great. I’d say the fans of this one will outnumber the haters, who will be squeaking away like mice about holes in their cheese as everyone else is enjoying the ride. And playing the game all over again once they’re done.  I say we should all make him a happy guy, as happy guys who make games make more good games afterward…

So, FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York) has a keen eye for intriguing and functional architecture, it seems. Given that Greenvale is a pretty scenic little sleepy town (and a bit of a tourist hotspot lately), you’d think he’d fall more in love with the gorgeous landscape including all those big trees and clean air. But, nope – he falls head over heels for a certain official-looking building in town… and you won’t believe which one (even though I gave it away – oops). Granted, it’s probably close to his heart because it’s related to his type of employment, but still, who wants to take their work home with them ALL the time. OK, granted he’s got a lot to take care of in town what with the Red Seeds Killer doing his thing and all, but I’d not even want to know what that special person in his life thinks of his obsession. Hmmm… then again, the special person in York’s life is is imaginary friend, Zach… but we won’t talk about that now. You’ll just need to see that for yourself…

And guess what, folks? You can do exactly that if you grab a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Updated HD visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, an all-new scenario and more await your own appreciation. You may not know about art at all, but you should know what you like, I say. Even if it scares the hell out you most of the time you’re playing it. But you LOVE being scared, correct? Well, that’s what it says on your social network profiles. I’ve been reading alllllllll about you lately. You should appreciate that, too…

Speaking os appreciation, by the way, you buying this game and telling a friend or three would make Game Director Swery65 REALLY happy. If you ask me, I’d say that he’s sure to make a name for himself here in the US with his hot little interactive horror story and you can most certainly help out by snapping up a copy as soon as you see it at your favorite game emporium. I think he’s really on to something with this scary stuff, folks…

According to Guinness (no, not THAT other Guinness, silly – we don’t go back to the Swery65 Bar until Saturday’s post), the longest time spent holding one’s breath underwater was 22 minutes flat by Stig Severinsen of Denmark at the London School of Diving (which is in London, of course), on May 3, 2012. While I don’t think FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York) and his young charge are intending to break that record any time soon, YOU can certainly feel free to make that attempt on your own. Just set a timer and stare at this screenshot while holding your breath and see how long you can last. Simple, no? Um, you MAY want to practice for a bit before you go contact the Guinness people (no, not THOSE Guinness people!), but you SHOULD be able to do quite well because you won’t be underwater at all (unless you’re reading this in the bathtub while holding a tablet). That and if you need to give up, gasping for air doesn’t get you two lungs full of water (or dirty soapy water if you’re in the tub). If you do happen to break that record, let me know and/or give me partial credit – I like to know I occasionally inspire people to do great things.

By the way, you’ll also get plenty of practice gasping and holding your breath when you play Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. This update to the former Xbox 360 game features updated HD visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, DLC that extends the game’s lifespan and more. Feel free to pre-order the game now or face the fact that you may not get a copy when you really want one. I predict your breathing practice will get quite a workout because you’re not coming up for air for some time once you fire this game up.

You’ll also make Game Director and part time eye wear model Swery 65 a VERY happy man. He’ll be able to finally buy those Bootsy Collins sunglasses he’s been eyeballing on eBay or maybe even that cocktail table Ms. Pac-Man he saw at a bar here in the US when he attended this year’s GDC. Of course, he could also buy himself an airplane ticket to come shake the hands of everyone who picked up a copy of this game, but (wait for it…) don’t hold your breath…

Hoo, boy. Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York, please) MAY be a paranormal talented investigator extraordinaire with his special invisible friend Zach whispering stuff in his head, but MAN, is he a sucker when it comes to falling for the silliest gags. Get this: he actually BELIEVED that people are supposed to give and received gifts on April 1st and yep, those Hawaiian themed pajamas he’s got on are getting him into some nasty trouble as you can see by his dwindling life bar. For the record, creepy not-quite undead horrors HATE Hawaiian pajamas and in fact, they tend to freak out even more when they smell coffee and GUESS who had three cups of the A&G Diner’s special Kona Blend? OH, yeah, it’s going to be a loooooong day, that’s for sure. And yes, it was Sheriff George Woodman who gave York those PJ’s. York gave him a new expensive hat, but George picked it out (of course), the bum. Well, they DO say “April is the cruelest month”, right?…

Will our hero survive his not a real holiday encounter with these fiends? Or will he be pushing up daisies and headed back to that last save spot to try again? You get the chance to find out yourself if you’re smart enough to pre-order and buy a copy of Rising Star Games’ Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, headed exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Updated HD visuals, all-new content, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, and more, more, more are all in store for you lucky devils out there. Even more important, I think you don’t have to wear those silly PJ’s if you don’t want to. You’ll still have to deal with those evil, smelly killy things coming after you, but they just might be a little nicer. Maybe.

And look! York got Sheriff Swery a new hat as well, but at least HE didn’t go pick out the most expensive one in the catalog like stupid George did. Someone ought to teach that guy a lesson like “Be nice to the people you meet on the way up… they’re the SAME people you’re going to meet on the way down…” or something like that. I forgot what he got York, but it’s probably something like an autographed picture or a copy of that game he worked on. Hey, everybody needs a hobby, I say…

So, you’ve survived another Saturday night in Greenvale and your trip to the Swery65 Bar ended without a fight breaking out. Good for you – lesson learned, correct? Still, you drank just enough to have a touch of a hangover, but it’s all good because you know just how and where to get that all taken care of. Shuffle on into your shoes (well, AFTER a shower, shave and some putting on of pants, please) and make like a hungry dog over to the A&G Diner. That coffee will slap you awake while the breakfast special will beat the hell out of that throbbing head stuff and send it flying out an ear or nostril. Make sure you take the normal street route to the diner, though. There may have been another murder last night and you don’t want to be sneaking around the back way as the police and that weird detective are poking around for clues. That and you DEFINITELY wouldn’t want to run into the killer plaguing the town, would you? That’s the worst way to get rid of a hangover I hear because it might rely on you losing your head (which is NOT a good thing the last time I checked)…

Oh, before you go, make sure to pre-order a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. When you finally get back home from your extended vacation in Greenvale, you can relive the excitement and freaky thrills by playing as Detective Francis York Morgan as he investigates the case of the Red Seeds Killer. Updated visuals, all-new content, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, as well as more cool stuff awaits you and your lucky friends who won’t have to sit through that boring slideshow you originally planned to show when you got back…

Oh yeah, did you know that in addition to some stellar strong coffee and awesome pie (try the apple-pineapple for a REAL treat), the A&G makes a really kick-ass hamburger? All of the ones ON the menu are outstanding, but order the small but absolutely killer Sweryburger (ask for a Number 65) and be prepared to be back for another one when it’s time to think about your dinner plans. The fries are awesome as well – freshly hand cut, thick and tossed in a seasoning mix that makes them oh so yummy.

Hmmm… now I’m hungry as hell – I’ll see you at the A&G!

Well, in Greenvale that can only mean two things, folks. You’re either going to hoof it on down to the Swery65 Bar to get your drinking done and maybe play a few games of darts with the boys. Or you’ll be running home to lock all the doors and windows before crawling under the couch or bed to catch some old movie because there’s a killer on the loose. That, by the way, is NOT why that screenshot above has the bar so empty. Hey, it’s only about 4pm here and no one in Greenvale really gets their drink on until Happy Hour kicks in at around 5! Anyway, make sure to swing by then and see this place start filling up with locals. Some of whom ONLY come in for Happy Hour before running home to lock all the doors and windows before crawling under the couch or bed to catch some old movie because there’s a killer on the loose…

YOU can actually help the citizens of this otherwise strange and sleepy town get back to some sort of normalcy by snapping up a copy of Rising Star Games’ upcoming Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, exclusively for the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Featuring updated visuals, optional PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, loads of new content and some truly creepy moments that will have you under the couch or bed, this one’s guaranteed to get you hooked in until you feel like you’re trapped in Greenvale until that case is done. Don’t worry – it’s not as if you’ll be playing yourself and have to muddle around pretending you know what you’re doing. You’ll be hopping into the shoes of Francis York Morgan, the strange but skilled investigator with an imaginary friend and a love for damn good coffee.

And you know what else? Enough of you out there buying the game and telling others about it will definitely make Swery65 (shown deep in thought about what he’d like to drink at the bar when he arrives later) a nice chunk of change so he can maybe redecorate the place to a more modern western theme and perhaps add in a few pinball machines or something. Eh, then again… he’ll probably keep it as it is, as you know how the locals always HATE it when their favorite watering hole goes all upscale and starts attracting the wrong crowd. On the other hand, better a few too many annoying college kids than a creepy killer lurking at a corner table, right?

Actually, Detective York is a wee bit off in his history, as steam-powered vehicles were around in the 17th and 18th centuries. It’s too bad that the technology never took off as it should have, as the world could probably use less fossil fuel consumption and smarter ways of just getting to the mall for a pint of milk. Of course, trying to cover the entire history of automobiles here is a bad idea, as this is supposed to be a more Greenvale-centric post and I’m sure their City Council doesn’t want me to ramble on about mechanical perambulation or the advent of steam when there are more interesting ways to get tourist dollars out their way. And, wait… just which King George is he referring to anyway? There were a whole bunch of them from a few different countries throughout world history, you know.

Oh, wait a minute… Ah ha ha. My mistake, folks. The detective was being a bit sarcastic and tossing a good one out about Sheriff George Woodman who it turns out isn’t the nicest cop in the neighborhood. Oops. Well, at least I found that out before I had to go poking around Wackypedia for “facts” about cars written by contributors that don’t even know how to drive. Say, did you know that despite needing to drive a few places in the game, YOU don’t need to know how to drive when you’re playing Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming April 30, 2013 exclusively for the PlayStation 3. Featuring upgraded visuals, PlayStation 3 and 3D TV support, trophies and more, this is one vacation you’ll not soon forget. Unlike that information that would have helped you pass that history class you flunked in high school.

OK, so King Sheriff George is a bit of a jerk with his stupid hat and bad attitude (you’d think he’d be a BIT more cooperative what with a mad, possibly supernatural killer on the loose in his town) but thankfully, Sheriff Swery is in the office on those days George is off and he’s a MUCH nicer guy to deal with. When you’re in the area, make sure to drop by and say hello. Hey, you may even get  a free cup of coffee from the A&G Diner out of that greeting – and free is always good. Especially when combined with coffee…

Paying attention to the road while driving may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised just how easily distracted most people get when behind the wheel. Case in point, this particular road trip in that not so fancy but fast Sheriff’s car, currently driven by one Francis York Morgan. Given that he’s got two passengers with him, he should be concentrating on the road and doing his best to drive safely. However, just LOOK at that speedometer! 73 MPH is not exactly following the Greenvale speed limit, it’s not an emergency (this time), and lack of traffic or not, he should keep an eye out for pedestrians. I’d say something about that “Talk” button onscreen, but I guess it’s OK, as talking while driving is something everyone seems to do. Granted, York will probably Talk to “himself” rather than his passengers (which is distracting enough), so perhaps he’s not too bad behind the wheel after all?

Of course, you’ll get to find this out for yourself and more on April 30, 2013 when Rising Star Games’ Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut hits retail exclusively for the PlayStation 3. Featuring updated visuals, improved controls, all-new content PlayStation Move and 3D TV support and more, this is one of those games guaranteed to get you out driving safely to your favorite game shop and back home even if you’re a block away. Hey, practice makes perfect, right? And if you don’t drive, no worries – that walk will do you good, as you’ll probably be getting a wee bit less exercise once you pick up the game and start playing. Your heart will be racing quite a lot, though…

Another reason you should buy this game is you’ll be keeping Game Director Swery65 a busy man. Getting him back in the office in Japan making more games is a good thing, as if he’s not making games, he’s getting into mischief with people like this other creatively named game-creating reprobate (and all-around nice guy if you get to meet him in person), Suda 51 (both seen here in a local drinking establishment somewhere on Planet Earth. So, yeah – you know what to do, right. Buy at LEAST two copies of this game so Swery gets back to making another one. Or at least thinks about a Vita version, as there’s nothing like being able to be scared out of one’s wits while on the road (er, except when one is behind the wheel – that’s NEVER a good thing)…