According to Guinness (no, not THAT other Guinness, silly – we don’t go back to the Swery65 Bar until Saturday’s post), the longest time spent holding one’s breath underwater was 22 minutes flat by Stig Severinsen of Denmark at the London School of Diving (which is in London, of course), on May 3, 2012. While I don’t think FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York) and his young charge are intending to break that record any time soon, YOU can certainly feel free to make that attempt on your own. Just set a timer and stare at this screenshot while holding your breath and see how long you can last. Simple, no? Um, you MAY want to practice for a bit before you go contact the Guinness people (no, not THOSE Guinness people!), but you SHOULD be able to do quite well because you won’t be underwater at all (unless you’re reading this in the bathtub while holding a tablet). That and if you need to give up, gasping for air doesn’t get you two lungs full of water (or dirty soapy water if you’re in the tub). If you do happen to break that record, let me know and/or give me partial credit – I like to know I occasionally inspire people to do great things.

By the way, you’ll also get plenty of practice gasping and holding your breath when you play Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. This update to the former Xbox 360 game features updated HD visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, DLC that extends the game’s lifespan and more. Feel free to pre-order the game now or face the fact that you may not get a copy when you really want one. I predict your breathing practice will get quite a workout because you’re not coming up for air for some time once you fire this game up.

You’ll also make Game Director and part time eye wear model Swery 65 a VERY happy man. He’ll be able to finally buy those Bootsy Collins sunglasses he’s been eyeballing on eBay or maybe even that cocktail table Ms. Pac-Man he saw at a bar here in the US when he attended this year’s GDC. Of course, he could also buy himself an airplane ticket to come shake the hands of everyone who picked up a copy of this game, but (wait for it…) don’t hold your breath…

Hoo, boy. Special Agent Francis York Morgan (just call him York, please) MAY be a paranormal talented investigator extraordinaire with his special invisible friend Zach whispering stuff in his head, but MAN, is he a sucker when it comes to falling for the silliest gags. Get this: he actually BELIEVED that people are supposed to give and received gifts on April 1st and yep, those Hawaiian themed pajamas he’s got on are getting him into some nasty trouble as you can see by his dwindling life bar. For the record, creepy not-quite undead horrors HATE Hawaiian pajamas and in fact, they tend to freak out even more when they smell coffee and GUESS who had three cups of the A&G Diner’s special Kona Blend? OH, yeah, it’s going to be a loooooong day, that’s for sure. And yes, it was Sheriff George Woodman who gave York those PJ’s. York gave him a new expensive hat, but George picked it out (of course), the bum. Well, they DO say “April is the cruelest month”, right?…

Will our hero survive his not a real holiday encounter with these fiends? Or will he be pushing up daisies and headed back to that last save spot to try again? You get the chance to find out yourself if you’re smart enough to pre-order and buy a copy of Rising Star Games’ Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, headed exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Updated HD visuals, all-new content, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, and more, more, more are all in store for you lucky devils out there. Even more important, I think you don’t have to wear those silly PJ’s if you don’t want to. You’ll still have to deal with those evil, smelly killy things coming after you, but they just might be a little nicer. Maybe.

And look! York got Sheriff Swery a new hat as well, but at least HE didn’t go pick out the most expensive one in the catalog like stupid George did. Someone ought to teach that guy a lesson like “Be nice to the people you meet on the way up… they’re the SAME people you’re going to meet on the way down…” or something like that. I forgot what he got York, but it’s probably something like an autographed picture or a copy of that game he worked on. Hey, everybody needs a hobby, I say…

So, you’ve survived another Saturday night in Greenvale and your trip to the Swery65 Bar ended without a fight breaking out. Good for you – lesson learned, correct? Still, you drank just enough to have a touch of a hangover, but it’s all good because you know just how and where to get that all taken care of. Shuffle on into your shoes (well, AFTER a shower, shave and some putting on of pants, please) and make like a hungry dog over to the A&G Diner. That coffee will slap you awake while the breakfast special will beat the hell out of that throbbing head stuff and send it flying out an ear or nostril. Make sure you take the normal street route to the diner, though. There may have been another murder last night and you don’t want to be sneaking around the back way as the police and that weird detective are poking around for clues. That and you DEFINITELY wouldn’t want to run into the killer plaguing the town, would you? That’s the worst way to get rid of a hangover I hear because it might rely on you losing your head (which is NOT a good thing the last time I checked)…

Oh, before you go, make sure to pre-order a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. When you finally get back home from your extended vacation in Greenvale, you can relive the excitement and freaky thrills by playing as Detective Francis York Morgan as he investigates the case of the Red Seeds Killer. Updated visuals, all-new content, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, as well as more cool stuff awaits you and your lucky friends who won’t have to sit through that boring slideshow you originally planned to show when you got back…

Oh yeah, did you know that in addition to some stellar strong coffee and awesome pie (try the apple-pineapple for a REAL treat), the A&G makes a really kick-ass hamburger? All of the ones ON the menu are outstanding, but order the small but absolutely killer Sweryburger (ask for a Number 65) and be prepared to be back for another one when it’s time to think about your dinner plans. The fries are awesome as well – freshly hand cut, thick and tossed in a seasoning mix that makes them oh so yummy.

Hmmm… now I’m hungry as hell – I’ll see you at the A&G!

Well, in Greenvale that can only mean two things, folks. You’re either going to hoof it on down to the Swery65 Bar to get your drinking done and maybe play a few games of darts with the boys. Or you’ll be running home to lock all the doors and windows before crawling under the couch or bed to catch some old movie because there’s a killer on the loose. That, by the way, is NOT why that screenshot above has the bar so empty. Hey, it’s only about 4pm here and no one in Greenvale really gets their drink on until Happy Hour kicks in at around 5! Anyway, make sure to swing by then and see this place start filling up with locals. Some of whom ONLY come in for Happy Hour before running home to lock all the doors and windows before crawling under the couch or bed to catch some old movie because there’s a killer on the loose…

YOU can actually help the citizens of this otherwise strange and sleepy town get back to some sort of normalcy by snapping up a copy of Rising Star Games’ upcoming Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, exclusively for the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Featuring updated visuals, optional PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, loads of new content and some truly creepy moments that will have you under the couch or bed, this one’s guaranteed to get you hooked in until you feel like you’re trapped in Greenvale until that case is done. Don’t worry – it’s not as if you’ll be playing yourself and have to muddle around pretending you know what you’re doing. You’ll be hopping into the shoes of Francis York Morgan, the strange but skilled investigator with an imaginary friend and a love for damn good coffee.

And you know what else? Enough of you out there buying the game and telling others about it will definitely make Swery65 (shown deep in thought about what he’d like to drink at the bar when he arrives later) a nice chunk of change so he can maybe redecorate the place to a more modern western theme and perhaps add in a few pinball machines or something. Eh, then again… he’ll probably keep it as it is, as you know how the locals always HATE it when their favorite watering hole goes all upscale and starts attracting the wrong crowd. On the other hand, better a few too many annoying college kids than a creepy killer lurking at a corner table, right?

Actually, Detective York is a wee bit off in his history, as steam-powered vehicles were around in the 17th and 18th centuries. It’s too bad that the technology never took off as it should have, as the world could probably use less fossil fuel consumption and smarter ways of just getting to the mall for a pint of milk. Of course, trying to cover the entire history of automobiles here is a bad idea, as this is supposed to be a more Greenvale-centric post and I’m sure their City Council doesn’t want me to ramble on about mechanical perambulation or the advent of steam when there are more interesting ways to get tourist dollars out their way. And, wait… just which King George is he referring to anyway? There were a whole bunch of them from a few different countries throughout world history, you know.

Oh, wait a minute… Ah ha ha. My mistake, folks. The detective was being a bit sarcastic and tossing a good one out about Sheriff George Woodman who it turns out isn’t the nicest cop in the neighborhood. Oops. Well, at least I found that out before I had to go poking around Wackypedia for “facts” about cars written by contributors that don’t even know how to drive. Say, did you know that despite needing to drive a few places in the game, YOU don’t need to know how to drive when you’re playing Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming April 30, 2013 exclusively for the PlayStation 3. Featuring upgraded visuals, PlayStation 3 and 3D TV support, trophies and more, this is one vacation you’ll not soon forget. Unlike that information that would have helped you pass that history class you flunked in high school.

OK, so King Sheriff George is a bit of a jerk with his stupid hat and bad attitude (you’d think he’d be a BIT more cooperative what with a mad, possibly supernatural killer on the loose in his town) but thankfully, Sheriff Swery is in the office on those days George is off and he’s a MUCH nicer guy to deal with. When you’re in the area, make sure to drop by and say hello. Hey, you may even get  a free cup of coffee from the A&G Diner out of that greeting – and free is always good. Especially when combined with coffee…

Paying attention to the road while driving may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised just how easily distracted most people get when behind the wheel. Case in point, this particular road trip in that not so fancy but fast Sheriff’s car, currently driven by one Francis York Morgan. Given that he’s got two passengers with him, he should be concentrating on the road and doing his best to drive safely. However, just LOOK at that speedometer! 73 MPH is not exactly following the Greenvale speed limit, it’s not an emergency (this time), and lack of traffic or not, he should keep an eye out for pedestrians. I’d say something about that “Talk” button onscreen, but I guess it’s OK, as talking while driving is something everyone seems to do. Granted, York will probably Talk to “himself” rather than his passengers (which is distracting enough), so perhaps he’s not too bad behind the wheel after all?

Of course, you’ll get to find this out for yourself and more on April 30, 2013 when Rising Star Games’ Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut hits retail exclusively for the PlayStation 3. Featuring updated visuals, improved controls, all-new content PlayStation Move and 3D TV support and more, this is one of those games guaranteed to get you out driving safely to your favorite game shop and back home even if you’re a block away. Hey, practice makes perfect, right? And if you don’t drive, no worries – that walk will do you good, as you’ll probably be getting a wee bit less exercise once you pick up the game and start playing. Your heart will be racing quite a lot, though…

Another reason you should buy this game is you’ll be keeping Game Director Swery65 a busy man. Getting him back in the office in Japan making more games is a good thing, as if he’s not making games, he’s getting into mischief with people like this other creatively named game-creating reprobate (and all-around nice guy if you get to meet him in person), Suda 51 (both seen here in a local drinking establishment somewhere on Planet Earth. So, yeah – you know what to do, right. Buy at LEAST two copies of this game so Swery gets back to making another one. Or at least thinks about a Vita version, as there’s nothing like being able to be scared out of one’s wits while on the road (er, except when one is behind the wheel – that’s NEVER a good thing)…

In general, people in the U.S. just don’t get enough sleep. Whether it’s due to overwork, too much TV/computer time or doing too many things at night other than sleeping, it’s a national epidemic that can be the root cause of a few bigger problems. As you can see above, York stepping in to Greenvale’s police station SHOULD have that guy at the desk alert and facing the opposite direction. But he didn’t get enough sleep last night and doesn’t drink that strong coffee the A&G Diner sells at all so he’s a bit lax in his attitude. Before you ask, they don’t sell that multi-hour energy drink crap in town because it’s been banned (it makes hooded killers do their job a wee bit too efficiently, I’ve heard). Anyway, if York were a hooded killer, this poor sap would be on the floor with his face missing within a few seconds. But he’s only a detective on the prowl, so Officer Sleepy here will just get a damn good scare (and maybe wet his pants a little) and maybe a stern talking to he won’t soon forget.

Of course, you’ll probably be joining him soon enough if you’ve pre-ordered or plan to pick up Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming exclusively to the PlayStation 3 on April 30, 2013. Those updated HD visuals, quirky humor, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, Trophies and more will keep you up so late (and yes, half-scared out of your wits) that you’ll need to call in dead to work the next day. Or show up and pay the consequences. Just don’t be that one guy who doesn’t get enough rest and pops in to work at the VERY moment that heavy bottle of water in the water cooler needs changing. You ever drop one of those things on your foot in front of that cute secretary you’ve been secretly ogling? It’s not a good thing when that happens, folks.

I haven’t had the chance to ask him yet, but I’d bet a whole dollar that Game Director Swery65 (arriving a bit tired-looking at GDC 2013) has NEVER had an embarrassing incident like this happen to him. Of course, he’s seemingly always on a plane headed somewhere or working on something you’ll probably want to be playing at some point in the future, but I’ll have to remember not to forget to ask him about this one of these days…

It’s good to get out and get some fresh air in sunny Greenvale, but probably not in the very good (and reasonably priced) suit like York here is wearing in today’s screenshot. Granted, the man has his own style and a certain rugged flair that comes from being kind of crazy, but one has to hope he’s got a very good deodorant protecting him under those clothes. Anyway, there are many places to run to in and around the town, but you kind of need to pay attention to the clock you see in that picture. Why? Well, there’s nothing worse than missing the opportunity to pick up a clue, run into someone needing a bit of assistance only you can provide or even better, making headway in solving a particularly nasty set of murders because Greenvale actually needs as many people in town as possible who are kind of alive. I hear that tourists don’t visit a small town just to stumble across mutilated corpses… unless they actually LIKE stuff like that.

Anyway, enjoy that run and don’t forget to hydrate!

Speaking of running, if you don’t pre-order a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut for the PS3 (set to arrive in stores on April 30, 2013), you may find yourself emulating York and running to that game emporium only to find that they’ve completely run out of copies. Which in turn forces you to pull more York-like running all over YOUR town looking for the game. Of course, what with you not running all winter and storing up all that extra fat, you’ll be out of shape and pull a hammy while you’re huffing and puffing it around.

So, before you do anything else (well, as you’re reading this post, actually) ask yourself (or the snarky voice in your head): do you REALLY want to miss out on those updated HD visuals, quirky humor, plenty of gore, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, Trophies and more?  Besides, you can even carry your copy around with you everywhere, as you may one fine day run into Swery65, who just might sign it for you and really make your day. Well, it COULD happen if you’re REALLY lucky… you never know, right?

So, it’s Monday in Greenvale and here’s Emily Wyatt, still waiting patiently from last week. Uh oh. She doesn’t look very happy at all for a few important reasons. One: you’re late. Never keep a lady waiting, PERIOD. Especially on a Monday. Two: you forgot to being her a hot cup of coffee after keeping her waiting. I mean, you came from the A&G Diner, right? ALWAYS buy a lady you’ve kept waiting a hot cup of coffee. Three, her hand still hurts from that punch she threw at you on Saturday night. YOU may have forgotten all about that incident, but she didn’t. And even if she did, her hand would still hurt. Anyway, your moral for today is the following. Never keep a lady waiting, always buy her a hot cup off coffee if you do keep her waiting and ABSOLUTELY do not mention what happened on the weekend at any point. Unless she brings it up, whereupon you’re to shift nervously in your seat and mumble an apology (which should probably e a sincere one).  Emily might not be in the best of moods today, but she’s a good kid and can forgive one or two mistakes like that.

Just don’t let it happen again. In fact, you can probably be a bit more proactive in the future if you simply pre-order and play Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, exclusively for the PS3 and landing in stores on April 30, 2013. Groove on the improved visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, Trophies and more and if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to have a better Monday at some point down the road. You may even get a nod, a smile and a sunny “Hi!” from Emily, but remember, that doesn’t mean she’s anything but a professional.

If you’re still desperate, Dr. Swery’s radio advice show may still be on the air. Hmmmm. If I recall correctly, it used to run from midnight to 7AM daily on that radio station you get in the hotel better than anywhere else in Greenvale, but I haven’t heard a thing since those strange killings started. I hope he’s alright, as that was a really good program. Hmmm… now that you mention it, there’s been a few other odd things going on since he’s been gone. I sure hope he’s OK. Maybe I should call up a detective or something? Oh, wait – there’s one in town, I hear. Now where the hell was he? Probably working a big case or something…

(to be continued…)

“Hey, Not so loud!”, you sputter out
It’s been a long, long night.
You spent a good part drinking too much
(I think there was a fight.)

That Swery65 Bar, it’s quite the raucous place
Where too much booze and cheek pinching
got you punched in the face.

It was quite the sight to see you rise
when some blow sent you flying
You sailed into the ladies room
and thought that you were dying!

From what I heard after you left
it was the first time ever
They had toss a tourist out (using that hidden lever!)

So up you rise, your head throbbing
But hey, man – you’re alive
I’d say a decent hot breakfast
is the best way to survive

So put a pair of fresh pants on
(well, after a nice shower)
And tilt yourself on down the street
where you can regain some power.

The A&G Diner is the place you want to be
The food’s good and cheap, the wait staff’s great
And they make damn good coffee!

Well, OK… your first weekend in Greenvale wasn’t a total bust (other than the fat lip you now temporarily own), as now the locals know who you are and know you can sort of hold your liquor (to a point). Still, watch it after that fifth drink, buddy. The ladies don’t like you sizing them up, especially with a killer on the loose and you the new guy in town (suspicious and grabby? Yeah, that’s a good way to get KO’ed). Anyway, after breakfast (don’t forget to tip your waitress!), you may want to relax the rest of the day. You know, keep a low profile and all?

My suggestion: Get a copy of Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut, coming April 30, 2013 exclusively to the PlayStation 3. Even if you’ve never played the Xbox 360 version, the improved visuals, PlayStation Move and 3D TV support, new content, Trophies and more will have you staying indoors for long enough that the residents will forget all about your transgressions (well, until NEXT weekend when you’re back at that bar). Remember, not only is Sheriff Swery watching your every move, he actually EXPECTS you to behave while you’re in his town. Yeah, he owns the bar too, and the diner and everything else, but he likes that cowboy hat the best, I hear…