Grin & Bear It: Five Tips on How to Survive The Revenant

So, you’re planning to go see The Revenant this weekend, hmmmm? Well, if you’re not used to extended scenes of bear on man violence, the bear attack on Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) will put you under your seat or have you run screaming out of the theater because it’s quite possibly the most frighteningly realistic blending of CG and practical effects you’ve scene outside a horror movie.

Still, there’s a way to make it through the about 15 minutes of gorgeously rendered brutality (and the rest of the film’s violence is no pic-a-nic either) and come out no worse for the wear. Here are five tips to make it through (relatively unscathed):

1. Close your eyes and think of England!: More specifically, Dudley Moore. Even more specifically, Dudley Moore in Blake Edwards’ “10”:

(thanks, condenseIT!)

Watch that set of excerpts above (or better yet, check out the entire film) and when that bear scene comes on and starts getting to you, just think of poor Dudley (well, his poor stunt double) falling down that steep hill in slow motion and you may burst out laughing at the most inappropriate moments. The people around you will think you’re nuts, but you’re in your safe place, happy as a clam left in the sea because it wasn’t chosen to be pried open and eaten.

2. Speaking of falling…: Legends of the Fall has a bear attack scene at the end that’s awesome because it manages to make that overlong slog of a film with many unintentionally hilarious moments end in a really funny way. Seriously, watch the last two minutes with “Yakety Sax” playing in your head and loop that sight and sound combo for as long as you wish later on in the theater.

(thanks, Eltomoff!)

Yeah, you were laughing way too much just now. I could hear it from here.

3. Let fate “bear” witness and be your guide (right into a tree): John Frankenheimer (yeah, THAT John Frankenheimer) directed the 1979 horror film Prophecy, a film notable for the following scene that will make you cry from the hilarity (and perhaps sneeze if you’re allergic to goose down):

(thanks, trustthewater!)

Again, you laugh? I’m trying to save you from a traumatic cinematic experience and you laugh? Good. My work here is allllmost done.

The Country Bears

4. Revenge mode (if you like bears!): The Country Bears. Seriously. THE. COUNTRY. BEARS. Damn if I wasn’t bored as hell one night a few years ago, happened to flip on the tube and watched this one start to finish with my jaw swinging loose like saloon doors in a vintage western. What. The. Bear. Yeah, it’s targeted family friendly FUN from Disney and YES, the music is excellent. But man, I think my brain hated my eyes and anything else connected for about a week afterwards.

5. Revenge Mode, part deux!: Okay. There have been two spectacularly awful bear fights featuring Hercules that I can recall and both happen to feature big muscle-men not known for their acting chops. The one with Ah-nuld is awesome and hilarious enough, but I prefer this one from Luigi Cozzi’s classic fantasy/sci-fi flick starring Lou Ferrigno:

(thanks, krilles81!)

And yeah, Lou Ferrigno HATES bears (or so it seems):

(thanks, anis9876!)

Uh huh. I see that you’ve either flat-lined by now or maybe peed yourself a little. Better to do that now than in the theater, I say. Anyway, now that you’re prepared, go and have as good a time as you can at a film that’s not going to be known at all for the amount of laughs it has in store for its viewers.

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