Well, I guess Universal Studios and Legendary Pictures couldn’t wait after all. Or they very wisely figured out that at 9am PST or Noon Eastern time, people would either be on the way to grandma’s, sticking their heads in ovens to take out turkeys and pies or whatever, or passed out cold on a sofa from that big breakfast they’ve eaten before the bigger feast coming that would put them in a deeper temporary coma. Anyway, this first Jurassic World trailer hits all the proper notes. Which means I need to make fun of it in my own inimitable manner…
Right at the start you see kids (meaning kids in danger, of course!), one of which is the sullen teen with headphones and the other the younger sibling who’s going to be the invincible target of dino doom. Yeah, I can see where this is going right away. That fancy boat those folks are riding in on the way to dinosaur hell? It reminded me of a teeny tiny version of the outrageously over-sized ocean liner Princess of the Fearless from the old PlayStation game Crisis Beat, so I chuckled a bit at that. The music is suitably overwrought with “Hey, remember the original JP, folks? Huh? Huh?!” as well as “Hey, you want stingers? WE GOT STINGERS!” notes, the same ones you hear in too many other movie trailers. I like the idea of the Gyroshperes, but you know they’re basically going to be ping pong or golf balls to any dinos that get to whack them around.
Understatement line of the trailer: “You just went and made a new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea.” That means that hybrid will be the major threat. Well, next to the obviously incomplete CG effects, which need a bit more work. Anyway, chasey-chasey action to some slow piano music, a few of “Oh, what have we done?” looks from Bryce Dallas Howard (who’s channeling Julianne Moore for some reason) and of course, Mr. Pratt getting his heroics in. Understatement line of the trailer, too: “Evacuate the park!” Yeah, right. Comeback line not in the trailer stolen from another blockbuster film: “Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.” No points if you know where that line if from, by the way.
Prediction: Expect a high body count (but not much in the way of gore, of course) and lots of laffs (not laughs) as people get squashed and chomped. Hell, if you’re dumb and rich enough to pay for a ticket to a park filled to the brim with revived creatures that can stomp on you or swallow you in a single gulp, well… you’re getting what you pay for and what you deserve in one swell foop. Yeah, this will be a big hit next July, but I’ll still hold out for the cable version. I don’t expect to be surprised one bit, but there may be some entertainment value out of seeing screaming saps get turned into pâté, poi and pudding when things go south. Predictability can work both ways, of course. But I’ll be shocked (shocked!) if I’m more than 20% wrong in my speculations.