It’s come to my attention over the years that a LOT of people don’t know how to use the Internet properly. Not that I really care, mind you… it’s just that it tends to get in the way of me enjoying the damn thing as it should be used. If you’re using the Internet correctly, this post is completely meaningless and you can stop here and go about your day as usual.

For the rest of you out there fumbling and bumbling about making fools of yourself everywhere you click and post (and not knowing you’re a total idiot while doing so), read on below the jump for two small but helpful tips (there are a lot more, but these two will help about 86.7% of you having issues, the national average) and leave the top of your head unscrewed so the learning juice can sink in and grow something other than weeds and poisonous mushrooms…

1. Yes, your opinions are your own (and your own fault if you’re ignorant) and do count in any discussion, but unless you KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, you’ll be no better off than that one guy in a bar who doesn’t know a thing about sports interjecting his version of stupid into someone’s otherwise interesting conversation or debate. Want to get constantly made fun of online and off? Start posting incorrectly about something you THINK you know a lot about and defy everyone who deigns to correct you with actual facts that can help you crawl out of the darkness and into the light. Keep that up and watch your reputation drop faster than it takes for you to post your next inane comment. Look up the word Pariah and reveal your eventual fate. No, it’s the second definition, yeesh.

Of course, if you ONLY hang out on forums where NO ONE knows what the heck they’re talking about, it’s all opinions all the time and EVERYONE thinks knows they’re right, well… it sucks to be you. And them. Try reading something opposite your views with your mind and ears open, spend some time with your arms uncrossed (it helps you listen better AND looks more inviting to people in real life meet situations) and in general, expect to be disappointed by your old ways when something NEW sinks in. That’s how learning works, folks. FACT*: Issac Newton didn’t “discover” gravity… it was found out first by some cave dude that threw a big rock straight up into the air with all his might thinking it would keep going. Well, it didn’t and he didn’t live long enough to paint on a wall about his early scientific findings, as some saber-toothed whatever ate him while he was knocked out cold.

MORAL: Live and learn or stay ignorant and die dumb (but happy?).

2. Grammar makes you smart even when you really ain’t: Trust me, there is nothing (and really, NOTHING) worse than reading a rant that may be funny and may indeed have a point, but is so riddled with spelling and punctuation errors that most people reading it will end up posting and arguing on another board about how to approach you to say you need to spend some quality time with a dictionary, thesaurus and a bunch of those super-smart kids who live at the local library. Awful spelling is so prevalent that even major websites have fallen prey to the most basic mistakes that would get homework papers graded DOWN in elementary school. There’s a huge difference between BREAK and BRAKE or LOSE and LOOSE, PRAY and PREY, PAID and PAYED (and those are the four least of the most idiotic errors I’ve seen lately).

Granted, if one is functionally illiterate and able to use the Internet, that’s actually a really good thing, because you can actually learn to spell BETTER if you decide to use the Internet correctly. For anyone else who’s made it past high school or out of college and has a paying job, stay the heck off Facebook, Twitter and any other social site where you think your scribblings will be enjoyed but aren’t because 93% of the people reading them can’t make heads or tails of what you spent an hour composing. And it’s not because you’re constantly “lol-ing” or using too many annoying L33T shortcuts, either. That’s an entirely different rant I may tackle if it’s worth my time.

Of course, I’m not just talking out of my ass here, kids – I can recall many years back riding home on the subway with some friends after a night out drinking and in a crowded subway car, laughing like a nut for a few too many minutes at what I thought was a misspelled ad. The word I thought was misspelled was THIEF, which is another one of those common words that gets mangled on the Internet ALL the time.

Anyway, I was drunk and everyone who wasn’t in that car was probably laughing at me laughing at that correctly spelled sign, but I was too sideways to notice that. That and half the car was asleep until my laugh woke them up, so they were probably not thinking of spelling, but finding a way to shut me up so they could get back to their napping it off.  I do recall riding back to work a day later (I had a day off, fortunately), seeing that ad again and changing color because I was SO wrong and loud at it. Welcome to HELL (again)…

But I got better. Or I like to think so. That’s (of course) MY opinion, so i could be completely wrong. The End.

*(not an actual fact, but… it COULD have happened. Oh, by the way: NEVER, ever say that without at least 34% proof, as it usually makes smarter people than you want to throw a rock up in the air at your head to see what happens)…