Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer exec
That is who I truly want to be-e-eee…
‘Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer exec,
I’d put a halt to this stupidity!

Sooo, It’s apparent that some people at Oscar Mayer are either smoking that bacon a wee bit too much, as they have no clue as to what hell they’re about to unleash on themselves and a “lucky” few people who get something in the mail that may change their lives (and not for the better). It seems that the eggheads over at the “Oscar Meyer Institute For The Advancement of Bacon” have come up with a tiny device that plugs into your phone and when triggered using you’re phone’s alarm system, puffs out the scent of sizzling bacon along with an accompanying sound effect. What. The. Fork? Look:

Now, this is cute and all, but as soon as I heard about this project, my brain spit out its tea. Then when I saw that video above, my brain hit itself in the head with a cast iron fry pan. What. The. Fork?

First off, let me overstate the obvious. This is a BAD idea, especially if you’re a pet owner. Who wants to bet a nickel that someone’s dog will eat their damn phone and if that “lucky” owner isn’t jarred out of bed fast enough, they may lose fingers or worse trying to get that device and their phone out of its throat. I won’t even mention kids here, because they’re “supposed” to be smart and probably won’t fall for this dopey device at all. But they WILL need to be taught that REAL bacon doesn’t come from a phone (yet)…

That and just what the hell are the chemicals used in that bacon scent? Not real bacon, I bet. And WHO the hell wants a now fake bacon scented phone now coated with who knows what in their pocket/purse? I can see it now, you get this crap, your dog swallows your phone and has to be jetted to the vet. You get it taken care of, but on the way home (provided your pet isn’t dead), your now bacon scented clothes attract the attention of another dog, who thinks you’re a human-sized Beggin’ Strip. Yeah, great idea…

Yeesh. Okay listen up America. Bacon tastes good, but will kill you in excess just like a LOT of other great tasting things loaded with fat, sodium and assorted chemicals. Sure, I know NO one eats too much of it here and we ALL believe in moderation (he said, his eyeballs rolling so far back in his head, he could see his brain spinning in small circles), but come on now, people. The funny thing here is Oscar Mayer isn’t doling these things out by the trunkload. You have to EARN the right to basically be a guinea pig by owning an iPhone and downloading this app (which works without the device, but only gives you the SOUND of sizzlin’ processed pork), filling out a SIMPLE questionnaire and crossing your fingers (over your chest because you’ll soon be suffering assorted bacon scent-related illnesses).

Yuck. So, in a nutshell, Oscar Mayer is offering you a chance to test out a device that tests out how insane you may be. Look, if you LOVE you some bacon, just cook some yourself, order it in everything you eat and drink, buy up bacon clothing and shampoo and everything until you’re buried in a bacon coffin (or better, cremated and put in a bacon urn). But getting this thing in your possession just to get wafted with “bacon” vapor just so you’re the coolest cancer patient on the ward? Um… I think I’ll pass even if this is proven safe around people you aren’t dumb enough to abuse it. And you KNOW this will be abused by some people.

Eh, whatever. If the gene pool needs to be drained, let’s start with the people who think this sort of gadget is “necessary” to their daily lives in some form or another. That includes the people who thought it up over at the “Institute” that needs its “teaching” licensed revoked. Bleah.