For the record, I hated THE HAND when I first saw it and don’t like it much more today. Not because it’s not scary at all (its one or two jump scare moments and the nutty ending work for me), and not because Michael Caine isn’t “givin’ it ‘is awl” (heh) as a strip cartoonist who loses his drawing hand in a freak accident, gets a prosthetic replacement and soon has a bit of a psychological breakdown afterwards that involves a few dips into murder. Nope, Caine is fine and creepy here as Jon Lansdale and in fact, the other actors do a mostly fine job with Stone’s script (based on the Marc Brandel novel “The Lizard’s Tail”).

My big beef with the movie is how very, very little of Barry Smith’s outstanding comic art (created specifically for the film, mind you) is seen once the main credits have finished rolling. It’s a shame because the films isn’t quite the horror film it needs to be despite trying very hard to bridge the gap between low budget indie and major studio first effort (it was Stone’s first time behind the camera on a feature film). Granted, this isn’t supposed to be a Smith biopic or anything like that and I eventually saw a chunk of the art in an interview Smith did around when the film was released or so (and it’s some beautiful work). But for all the story’s emphasis on Lansdale’s Mandro character being so important (hell, no hand, bro means NO Mandro!), we never see that much of the artwork up close or find out much about Mandro other than the art looks like Marvel’s Conan the Barbarian when Smith’s art really matured near the end of his run on the book…

The films also flops around when it comes to Lansdale’s personal life thanks to his lovely wife (Andrea Marcovicci) being a pretty unlikable character. Granted, as the film begins, Lansdale is treating her like crap and it seems as though their marriage is doomed to the deepest deeps before she gets involved in that accident that causes her hubby to lose his drawing power. After he gets a fake hand, Lansdale has to suffer the indignity of losing his strip to another artist and then getting fired completely after some sample pages are ruined. Then, his marriage falls apart thanks to his wife fooling around with her yoga instructor. Yeah, well… “Treat Her Like A Lady” should have been your theme song, Jon Lansdale! In the midst of all this stuff, it seems that Lansdale’s lost appendage may be on the prowllll (crawl, crawl… Mua-ha-ha-haaaa!)…

Anyway, one dead homeless guy later (played by the director!) soon enough Landale is in a new in a new state job teaching art classes, but without his wife and daughter. Naturally, he has nothing better to do than have nightmares about the hand coming after him, but in between his delusions (or ARE they?), he falls for a sexy student of his (Annie McEnroe), who he soon finds out is also sleeping with another teacher. Horrors! They both go missing and yep, yep – here come the wifey and daughter for a reconciliation visit. You know by now that THAT goes south faster than a speeding moonshiner and if you look at your watch, the film is somehow almost over, but not before it pulls out a double back flip twist that you’ll see coming (unlike a certain person pooh-poohing Lansdale’s craziness as crazy).

So, yeah… everyone has to start somewhere, and THE HAND (hey, I like using all caps for that title!) is indeed a start for Stone that might not be anything close to a “great” horror movie at all, but it does make for a fun conversation piece for those of you yet to see it. Of course, you MAY be talking about how you’ll beat me up when and if you ever meet me in person. Or send your own detached hand after me while you’re in some other place away from the crime scene. But THAT’S never going to happen! Ha Ha Haaa *Urk… *choke!* GYAAAAAH!