(Thanks, AussieRoadshow!) 

John “Bud” Cardos’ one hundred and ten percent wretched sci-fi horror flick The Dark is one of the best reasons for better movie theater security guards and well-caffeinated ticket booth clerks. I paid to see this R-rated waste of time when I was 15 and it was four bucks I still want back. This is one of those “so bad it’s worse” “cult” films that boggles the mind as to not only how it got made, but how it got into theaters. And this is coming from someone who loves crappy movies to death.

Allegedly, Tobe Hooper was in on this mess as the initial director before being replaced by Cardos, but I’d gather he split or was canned because whatever script was presented to him scared him off. Or he was merely killing time before *not* directing Poltergeist a few years later (*ziiiing!*). This won’t be a long and loving look back at this dopey flick, so don’t get too comfortable. In every way possible, this film reeks of people showing up to work just to collect whatever paycheck was promised them (and probably some drugs as well), and that’s a shame…

Let’s see now, random killings plague Los Angeles! Eeeek! It’s an unseen (or just hard to see for the bulk of the picture) mawn-stuh of indeterminate alien origin that shoots badly animated lasers from his eyes (yes, with a “pew, pew, pew!” sound effect) and rips the heads off of its victims. All of this happens at night, so you can hardly see a damn thing (Aha! A clue as to where the film gets its title from!). There’s an angry William Devane chewing up scenery (no, he DOES not get to say “Get the f#@kin’ car!” in a Bawstun accent like he does in Marathon Man , a wooden (as usual) Cathy Lee Crosby, A bearded Keenan Wynn who looks as if he’s in the wrong movie, Casey Kasem (who’s NOT the monster. Or Shaggy) shows up for some screen time (America’s Top 40 must have shut down for the day he was free to shoot this junk) and I think Richard Jaeckel looks like a snide foreign guy in every film I’ve ever seen him in.

(Thanks, Msbdbdb!) 

Granted, the film IS unintentionally hilarious every time some random person walks into a dark area and that alien pops up to laser or decapitate them. But crappy effects do not a proper fun bad flick makes, people. There’s the sad matter of all the boring dialog delivered by actors who all look as if they’d rather be somewhere else tying one on. Except Cathy Lee. She looks like she wants to work all the time, but she never can do much here other than make you wonder why she was cast as Wonder Woman a few years before this. Come to think of it, I’d rather go back in time and get her to play WW in that upcoming Justice League film because she at least has some meat on her bones unlike the scrawny chicken they have working out to gain a muscle for the part now. But I digress (hey, we all need a hobby)…

This isn’t much of a sci-fi film unless you count the super-strength eye lasers (“pew, pew, pew!”) and explosions and it’s certainly not scary enough to be called a “horror” film (I think there’s some blood and/or gore, but it’s pretty dark during most of the film). But hey, it came out after Alien was blowing both genres apart, so there you go. Granted, most any genre flick will be disappointing after seeing one of the best ever made a few months earlier. But The Dark fails hard as even a simple action/thriller that it’s amazing the film is under ninety minutes long. It feels as if you’re watching the lead in to a better film or the world’s worst magic trick that has a huge build up and a lousy payoff.

The movie basically ends after the police track and corner the monster to do it in and I guess that happens and then there’s a voice over that sounds lifted from a 50’s “B” movie and you sit there wanting your four dollars back even if you pirated this dreck from somewhere. Bleah. What’s the adjusted value of four bucks in 2014 anyway? I want to sue someone for making this or at least wag my finer at them from afar while hoping I get my money back. I don’t know if this is out there in the online ether, but if you see it, beware. You might not be frightened to death, but there a great chance you’ll die of boredom or laugh yourself to death when that alien glares at someone from the darkness (pew, pew, pew!) BOOM! Avoid this bomb-ola at all costs, I say.