Oh, why do I do this to myself? Well, because someone had this flick handy, read my review of the original and offered it up for review, that’s why. That and I’m issuing a shot across the bow to anyone thinking this rusty old clunker will be a good movie because of the list of stars (some of the fading and fallen variety). Anyway, thanks in part to the massive success of blockbusters such as Jaws, Star Wars, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Alien (among others) to by 1979, the star-studded disaster epic was pretty much dead in the water. However, Hollywood kept them coming for a little bit longer despite poor critical and audience reception.

Sadly, when original ideas started drying up, sequels to older crowd pleasers because one escape route that seemed to fail spectacularly despite stunt casting efforts galore. The great 1970 film Airport devolved into three miserable “look at the law of diminishing returns in action” sequels before crash-landing and for some reason, producer/director Irwin Allen decided to hold out for seven years to make a follow up to his smash hit The Poseidon Adventure. Well, he did get the seriously star-packed and seriously goofy disaster flicks The Towering Inferno and Earthquake made plus some TV projects in the interim, so he was a busy man. However, in the case of Poseidon’s second go, the result is pretty awful as a sequel, so seeing Beyond The Poseidon Adventure only comes recommended if you can mentally separate the two films and pretend this follow-up flick is a bad dream had by one of the survivors of the first movie…

Now, poking around the internet reveals Allen’s original idea for the film was far wackier than this floating turd (I believe some elements ended up in his TV movie Cave-In!), but perhaps at least it would have been as unintentionally amusing and yes, as “epic” as the first Poseidon. However, here we have events taking place very shortly after the survivors are freed and rescued as a tugboat captain (Michael Caine!) and two others (Karl Malden! Sally Field!) in order to do a bit of spelunking and perhaps to score a few lucky bucks in salvage. Naturally, more sea dogs show up (led by Telly Savalas!) and these new, shadier characters pretend to be a medical rescue crew looking for more survivors. Yes, Telly’s after the ship’s safe and some gold, there are some more people on the ship who somehow didn’t die in all those explosions and falling furniture hours earlier and the film is pretty much blowing it out its rear end right from the start.

Forget about whatever international laws prohibit a wreck still afloat from being claimed as “salvage” or boarded by anyone but an actual rescue team with perhaps a helicopter or three, some Coast Guard ships and maybe even some military assistance. And definitely forget the heck about these idiots getting aboard that former floating tomb not being smart enough to figure out that yes, the opening they enter WILL collapse and they’ll need to find another way off that death ship. Yadda, yadda, yadda, most everyone left dies and we get a big explosion and a “happy we got off that gawddam boat” kiss, THE END. On its own merits, it’s an OK excuse for a disaster flick, everyone acts or overacts as much as they can and yeah, the demises are funny in most cases as you watch and play that “who’s going to make it?” game we all do in these sorts of films.

However, this one never rises above sea level on some key fronts thanks to just being made far to late after the first movie to really care about anyone much if at all. Sure, the story changed around a great deal from the first concept to what popped up on screen. But as noted above, the disaster blockbuster was itself doomed to drown as a flood of space and other films splashed into cinemas, taking audiences on far more interesting thrill rides. There’s the stale air of “Meh!” all over Beyond the Poseidon Adventure that sinks the film as soon as it begins and your senses of disbelief and wonder fail to properly ignite as it continues. There are some laughs to be had, though… just expect them to more of dry heaves than full out belly laugh style roll on the floor moments. Unless you’ve been driven insane by this drivel of the deep.

At the end of the day, this just isn’t a very good movie at all, but there IS some enjoyment to be had if you’re a fan of bad movies. On the other hand… I do LOVE my bad movies, but this one left and still leaves me cold as an iceberg. Ha and ha. I say leave this one afloat in the bowl and move onto the next stall, or if you’ve already taken a seat and are committed for the long haul, don’t forget to flush when you’re done… Yuck.