Now, this isn’t your average mildly to moderately angry feminist posting about how any and everything Barbie or any other supermodel-thin artificial female-shaped toy represents the destruction of the normal female body image and how the whole plastic princess thing represents the ultimate in corporate brainwashing or whatever. I can’t write that well because my sense of humor won’t let me and I’m here to rant about something else. That and the last time I checked (I had to pee before I wrote this post), below the brain I’m not much of a feminist. Anyway, while looking through this latest catalog I got in the mail, a theme appeared that made my eyebrow go up and stay locked in that “Hmmmm…” position too long. I had to force it down (my eyebrow, not the theme) with my backup electric toothbrush. The original rolled off the radiator onto an old glue trap the other day and that sucked, but didn’t because if I tried to get my eyebrow down using a toothbrush stuck to a glue trap, I’d have a bit more to worry about…

Now, where was I? I hate page breaks. Um… “necktie… spaghetti…” no, wrong post… er, “glue traps… new toothbrush…”  Oh, yeah, OK!  *Ahem* Anyway, on every page of the new Spring 2013 Barbie catalog with a doll on it (and probably on every page of the older ones I’ve received), in very fine print on the bottom of the page you’ll get to read the the following sentence (or a slightly tweaked version of it):

Dolls cannot stand alone and may not be able to hold objects shown.

C’est whaaat? OK, your head should be spinning a bit (not quite like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, mind you) and your eyebrow needs to go up. A bit more. No, more. That’s not enough snarky I’m seeing from you on the left… no, YOU on the OTHER left – that looks like you’ve got gas. Get that eyebrow higher! Anyway, in case you didn’t key into it, I’ll explain a bit more. How is this career gal, fashion monster, superstar with a Dream House, perfect friends (well, Midge wasn’t ever “perfect”… but she’s back this year because she got a few things lifted – those plastic surgeons today, wow.), a fancy pink Sports car and a freakin’ REALITY SHOW (ah, now your eyebrow went up to the right pose as soon as you clicked that link – good.) be ANY kind of a role model if she can’t even stand up on her own two tiny feet? BUSTED.

Look, I can see if she rated the handicapped* seating on the bus or was supposed to be unsteady due to some physical ailment brought on by nature playing the tuba when it needed a harp solo or whatever. But the girl can’t even stay upright OR hold anything without dropping it, meaning she’s probably abusing something in that Dream House’s liquor rack medicine cabinet soda packed fridge. Sure, having size negative 3 feet and a head shaped like an incandescent light bulb is bad for anyone’s balance, but if Mattel hasn’t figured out how to level the poor gal out after what, 54 years, that chick has got issues NO redesign can fix. Oooh, I see there’s a Katniss Everdeen Barbie that looks JUST like Jennifer Lawrence (and it’s also pretty funny that she actually looks like a doll in real life, too). Guess what, Hunger Games fans? That otherwise fit and good with a bow cutie needs a sandwich or three and a cane because she can’t stand up either!

Even the new younger-looking Barbie cheerleaders can’t shake those pom-poms they come with and The same goes for Ken and the rest of the Sugarfoot crew. That’s right kids – Barbie can’t even stand by her man either (sexist as it may seem) because HE won’t be able to support her (or himself – just like in real life!). By the way, Skipper (who’s much older than she looks at age 49) is nowhere to be found. I think she’s working overseas in the movies or something, but you didn’t hear it from me. Anyway, short of Astronaut Barbie (floating in zero gravity means no standing issues) and NASCAR Barbie (no, not Danica Patrick, silly – if she wins Daytona you’ll be taking that back big time!) and Barbie’s forgotten wheelchair-using friend Share a Smile Becky, I’d say it’s time for a revolution that sees her be a truly independent plastic woman who can get up and move with the best of them.

Of course, there are plenty of other toys that don’t stand up, but at least most of the macho action figures I’ve seen have that “power stance” thing going on, boys wanting to have stuff that’s sturdy and all before they blow it up with fireworks or melt it with daddy’s blowtorch. That said, there’s light at the end of at least one tunnel. Mezco Toyz’ Amazonian-sized Cheetara (who can stand alone) from the classic ThunderCats cartoon series can certainly hold her own and I’ll even suggest that she makes an even better toy role model. Hell, get her into a pencil skirt and kitten heels (ha ha) or a sleek power suit and let her have a whack at that glass ceiling with that hefty staff of hers. You want to fight about equal pay with a big blonde carrying a stick she can swing at you from across the room the second you make with the smart-ass remarks about how women aren’t as capable as men? Be my guest. Just wear a hardhat is all I’m saying…

*(Hey, I’m not a total jerk. My spellchecker spits sparks out when I type “differently abled” – leave it to the angry at all times overly-PC crowd to make wording longer and clunkier as if it’s, er… “differently abled” Oops. Crap, I need to watch that stuff.)