MAN CRATES Wants to Check Your Horror Scenario Survival Skills. There Just May Be a Test Later…

Photo: MAN CRATES

Photo: MAN CRATES

Okay, given that the world is both looking like and turning into a real-life horror movie, it’s best to be well prepared for all sorts of emergencies. Fortunately, we have the fine folks at MAN CRATES (which always needs to be spelled in BOLD caps when written and yelled out loud when said, by the way) to help out in a pinch.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m not very much prepared for any disaster because I tend to avoid them by curling up under a few blankets and not looking out the window until it’s SO quiet that I hear nothing but the butterflies flitting by and the morning dew drying on the leaves seven floors below. But that’s no longer an option in this age of potential panic situations popping up without so much as a moment’s notice.

MAN CRATES to the rescue? Oh, yes indeed…

Now, you can get that Zombie Annihilation Kit shown on the previous page and take care of all your undead-dispatching and a few other needs, but if you’re one of those cross-armed realists that has no time for fantasy scenarios, guess what? All those tools and such you get are REAL and will come in handy for actual survival situations. MAN CRATES has a bunch of other awesome gift ideas from food to fun and all make some really nice surprises for that guy or gal who likes stuff like this. I tend to enjoy my horror flicks and separate them from real life stuff, but I’d absolutely want to have a custom MAN CRATE if I just so happened to get stuck with a bunch of idiots on some deserted island/creepy farm/abandoned military complex/Arctic research station. What’s in MY crate, you ask? Well, I’ll give you a peek (right before I slam the lid down on your fingers if you decide to get grabby):

1. Inflatable Decoy Me: Hey, you know the drill in these horror flicks. At some point you get separated from the group because you have to go pee, you need to go retrieve the pet someone bought along to the most inappropriate place in the world (or out of it) or hell, you’re the only one left because everyone else got killed off. Why not have a nice distraction for that killer while you hoof it to the nearest escape pod/canoe/car that just so happens to have the keys in the ignition. As an added bonus, that decoy would be somewhat explosive when stabbed, so that killer gets his when he thinks he’s giving you yours. NOTE: Upgrades to Hologram Decoy Me in 2017. One has to stay on top of this tech stuff, you know.

2. Bag of Marbles: How do you stop an unstoppable killing machine? Pull out the plug, I say. I’d bet even the fastest-moving “invincible” killer would take quite a tumble when he/she/it comes running towards you and slips on a few well-placed marbles. Add a well-made slingshot to that crate as a bonus and you have a handy weapon no one expects can be so deadly in the wrong hands (or right ones). Pop a few marbles into a zombie’s noggin or the eye holes on that hockey-masked killer’s head and yeah, you can see the possibilities here.

3. One Whole Durian Fruit: Other than some guys I met at a party many years back forced out onto a terrace by their wives with their smelly treat, nobody I know eats durian. I’ve tried to no less than three times over the years, but that scent of rotting onions, old sugar, very unwashed feet and something dead for a wee bit too long just makes my stomach flip and flop around. Yeah, yeah. I know SOME people love that putrid fruit and I’m not insulting their tastes buds at all. In fact, if you can stomach that fruit, your taste buds are manlier than mine by far, friend. I figure chopping of of these open and tossing it at any pursuer will put them down for the count unless they just so happen to be from an area where that fruit is eaten and they just consider it a snack before me as the main course. Oops. Conversely, keeping than fruit whole and swinging it like the deadly spiked club it is makes it a fantastic multi-tasker…

Photo: MAN CRATES

Photo: MAN CRATES

4. Bottle of (REALLY) Hot Sauce: Well, MAN CRATES is already a few steps ahead of me here, offering a few nice and spicy gift crates that feature some ridiculously spicy “treats” that would probably bump off anything without a tolerance level to such high “edible” heat. A few splashes of Blair’s Ultra Death Sauce (found in their Hot & Spicy Crate) or Mad Dog 357 Scorpion Hot Sauce (found in their Premium Hot & Spicy crate) should not only stop ANYTHING in its tracks, but melt those tracks away all the way down the hallway it was chasing you. Of course, if it’s the actual or imagined devil coming at you, I’m sure you’ll need to triple up on those splashes or combine a few sauces. Some LIKE it hot, you know…

5. Old Rotary or Touch-Tone Phone: Why? Because you’ve seen every modern horror movie to date and KNOW you just cannot get a damn signal, period. You want to get out of here? Talk to me. Send your pals out and around the house or wherever to try and get a signal with their cell phones and while they’re outside getting picked off one by one. Dip into the house, find the nearest land line phone jack and get the cops on the horn. They’ll roll up in time to blow the masked nut-job away and you’ll be praised for your ingenuity. And how do I know those creepy old houses and such STILL have landlines? Well, those crazed killer-types probably have old relatives up in some creepier cabins they ring up on the holidays and other special occasions, that’s why! That, and someone has to keep the local pizza joint busy with semi-regular orders. Crazed killers need to eat too, although the cannibalistic ones tend to only order once and that delivery guy never makes it back to his job…

MC Retro Game Crate

Photo: MAN CRATES

As you’ve probably guessed, in horror movie scenarios, I’m an “every man for himself” kind of guy. Hey, I’d apologize for that, but it’s just that I have too much to do to die at the hands/claws of some raving maniac.

Hell, I’d be that guy who pushes YOU in front of that killer and his chainsaw-powered evil car because right before I got kidnapped with you and a bunch of pretty and DOOMED strangers, I’d have ordered a few MAN CRATES of my own and I just wanted to get the hell out of that deathtrap and get home so I could open my stuff. That’s how I roll, so watch your own back if we end up in the same boat. Of course, I’d expect no less from you if you ordered your own MAN CRATES, so may the best man or woman win in that case…

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2 thoughts on “MAN CRATES Wants to Check Your Horror Scenario Survival Skills. There Just May Be a Test Later…

    • Thanks! Amusingly enough, I was typing this post in the library and some nosy guy saw what I was typing about durian, so he HAD to step up to defend it. Fortunately, there’s no food allowed here or he’d have bought some with him (Yaaaaaah!). I hope he’s not waiting outside for me with a piece (they sell it in a market nearby), as THAT would be my Monday going down the drain for sure…

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