Hmm. Memo to the loud guy I passed on the way home yelling about the (and I quote) “bitch who won’t make me eggs after noon”: Ugh. Learn to cook, you ignorant jerk and make your own damn eggs ANY TIME YOU WANT. Keep it up with that overly cranky attitude and those aren’t the only eggs you’ll never have anything to do with ever again.
That, and it’s no joke to get hit upside the head with a cast iron fry pan while one is snoozing. Anyway, let me be nice and give you a recipe you can learn and perfect, provided you’re not un-jamming a pan from your gaping maw:
Stick that cast iron pan on the stove, add a bit of oil or a tablespoon of unsalted butter and heat on a medium flame. Turn your oven’s broiler on. While you’re waiting for the oil to heat up (or the butter to melt), chop up a handful of mushrooms (your choice), scallions (or about half a small onion if you have no scallions), maybe a small mild pepper and a few leaves of red leaf lettuce (or any other types lying around in the fridge).
Put the mushrooms and scallions (or onions) into a small bowl or other container and the lettuce in another. When the pan is nice and hot, add the mushroom/scallion(onion) mix to the pan and go on ahead and drop in roughly an ounce of diced ham (which should take care of the salt question).
Crack three large or extra large eggs into something bowl-like, add about 1/4 cup of milk and mix well with a fork. Some cracked black pepper and a small squeeze of some sort of hot sauce (I used Lingham’s SriRacha) also get stirred into those eggs (a tiny bit more salt, a moderate amount of heat) and after you’ve checked the veggies, dump the lettuce on top, followed by the egg mixture and using a potholder of some sort, lift and rotate the pan until the eggs have spread out and cover the bottom of the pan.
Cook this until you start seeing those telltale bubbles and the eggs telling you to flip the whole shebang over. Be a lazy guy and pop that hot pan under the broiler for about 60 seconds, rotating the pan if you need to. If that thing in the pan isn’t quite golden brown, let it sit for another 30 seconds OR just turn the oven OFF and let the residual heat do its job.
Take the pan out of the oven (duh?) and slice that thing into quarters. Serve as shown if you like bagels or on whatever bread product you have lying around. It should feed two to four people depending on if you share what you’ve learned to cook. Or, you could just go to a diner and be all smug and sneaky about it. You won’t learn anything other than more cranky things to say about your partner. However, the regulars and that waitress you flirt with (who hates that nonsense but deals with it because job security often means taking crap from people who should know better) won’t miss you if you stay home and in your own kitchen for a change.