This time, let’s talk briefly about pain management before moving on to today’s lesson. For this first part of the class, you’ll need a hammer and a hand. Yours, specifically, so you should have two. One-handed gamers are excused from this part of the lesson (unless you can hold a hammer in your prosthetic hand or have a friend who won’t mind lending a hand). Now, on the count of three, raise the hammer and hit your free hand… oh, somewhere around the thumb is fine. Not too hard, now.

Ready? One, Two, Three!

Oops.

As you can probably guess, most of you didn’t actually hit your hands. This is indeed a wise thing. Those of you who did are in a lot of pain and probably wondering why the other 99 percent of the class isn’t joining you curled up in a ball under their seats…

Before I let those of you with bashed thumbs scamper off to the school nurse, today’s lesson was about following instructions. Or more precisely, NOT following instructions. Sometimes you just don’t need to if you know what you’re doing. However, if you do decide to go by the book, feel free to realize that many games allow you to deviate from what the manual says. As for expensive strategy guides? They’re generally useless unless you like playing games one-handed (no, not THOSE games, silly) or spending too much money on a book that will probably frustrate you if you follow it to the letter. Having met a few guide writers (and contributed to two so far) I can safely say there are better ways to spend your money. Printed guides are written well before the final version of a game is done, so it’s entirely possible to find yourself hopelessly stuck because you’re busy reading about something that may have been changed by the time the game has shipped.

I used to work in game retail for a few years and back then, Instructions were a great deal more important. In fact, we had so many customers who’d call or drop in for game tips that we considered posting a sign by the register that had “RTFM!” in huge letters on it. We didn’t go that far, given a good chunk of our customers were parents with young kids. Still,it does make one a bit testy when some little whippersnapper strolls up to the counter in a huff and begs for Pac-Man codes because his mom finally bought a game she can beat her kid at (this is a true story – you can’t make this stuff up).

Now, a smart gamer with a strategy guide (is an oxymoron?) will run into that roadblock and figure out what to do within a few minutes. A poor new player who just shelled out an arm and a leg for a collector’s edition package will sit there staring at the page, then at the screen, then at the page (repeat until you have a headache) before throwing that guide at the TV, them jumping up and down on his or her controller. Don’t blame the map at all, I say. Just get yourself a better sense of direction. If you can’t navigate a nicely detailed 3D space in any game on your TV or computer, how the heck do you find the bathroom in your own house? Of course, if you also own a pet, you’re probably following your nose, correct?

As a native New Yorker, this navigation issue always reminds me of seeing tourists standing around in small packs on any corner in midtown. A quick glance in their general direction reveals a map of some sort in one hand and the other hand pointing in the direction opposite of where they want to go. PROTIP: There’s no real way to get lost in Manhattan unless you’re above or below certain points in the city where the streets stop running in a grid and/or things get wacky when diagonals enter the picture. West 4th and West 12th Streets meeting up STILL baffles me (there should be a TARDIS on a corner there), but at least there are some nice bars to fall into while you get your bearings. But (as it goes in more important things to read), I digress…

The best way to get through any game that’s not co-op or multiplayer focused is with both eyes on the screen, both hands on a controller (unless you’re playing something with a touch screen or motion control, of course) and no help other than what the game teaches you as you play. I’ve seen and heard of folks who have a single-player console game running, their PC or laptop going AND their smartphone at the ready to hit up a forum or call up a friend with the game when they get stuck. To me, this isn’t “gaming” at all. It’s a grade-school support group you don’t really need because you’re losing the value of experiencing on your own the world all those dozens of folks on the dev team worked so hard to create.

Of course, if you’re playing a game made by one or two people in their basement turned app factory, they’re probably crying because their otherwise hip indie game has flummoxed you to the point where you have to have friends help you play it. But hey, what did you expect for a dollar (If that game was free, you have no excuse for being that helpless). Anyway, sometimes being antisocial in your gaming life is actually an empowering thing as you’ll find yourself not relying on anyone but yourself to get out of that digital jam. If your online friends miss you that much that you can’t even have some quiet game time to yourselves (or vice versa), I think there’s a little something called Skyrim that will set you right back to a normal routine. Sink a few hours into that and you’ll forget you even have any friends beyond your living room…