Between the stupidly high-resolution TV’s that most average Joe and Jane consumers won’t care about thanks to sky-high price points and the fact that resolution means nothing if you’re just watching Honey Boo Boo’s Amish Mafia Fishin’ Moonshiner Auction Storage Hoarders all day on the couch and plenty of other useless but well-made tech goodies out of the price range of anyone but the seriously wealthy, it’s a wonder CES hasn’t sunk itself into the sands of Las Vegas this year like a truckload of Atari 2600 E.T. cartridges. Seriously, who needs a 20″ or 27″ tablet computer, a cell phone with a 6.1″ screen and some of those 100+” Super Ultra Mega Deluxe 4K screens? You want a Lamborghini with that order, mister?  Yeesh. Granted, it’s great that tech companies are “innovating” every year, but the yearly emphasis on size in some things makes you wonder if the Jolly Green Giant or 50-Foot Woman is the actual customer being targeted.  Well, they do make a cute couple come to think of it (and their kids are just lovely… and growing up so fast!)…

When I saw Lenovo’s outrageously massive but highly functional new table(t) PC (left, NOT actual size), I cracked up big time because it’s not exactly “new” in terms of what it’s delivering other than a Windows 8-powered touchscreen that someone is going to wreck when they accidentally drop a plate or coffee cup or a bottle of beer on. Not to mention what’s going to happen when the cat or pooch decides it’s a fine place to nap on because it’s so warm… d’awwww!  That said, It has a sheer nostalgic feel for a dinosaur like me because if you add some legs and a colorful base, it reminds me of those old cocktail table arcade machines such as Ms. Pac-Man or Space Invaders that always had icky stains of dubious origin, beer rings a’plenty and cigarette ashes or burns on the glass surface. The price point seems to the same as those old machines as well, but this is definitely a niche tech toy at this point and I’m hoping we don’t see this catch on.

Of course, given that Microsoft plans to have a counter top sized touch PC in every home or something at some point in the not too distant future, I guess I’m in the minority on this (as usual). Still, at the end of the day, huge-ass OLED’s, HDTV’s, tablet PC’s and other toys of the near future are less important if we still have the same crappy content and services that just make all the shows we’re watching only look better, but are still as hard to get in some areas or part of dopey cable packages that make less and less sense.We need smaller screens, bigger text, better remotes and less enforced evolution, I say. All those people who snapped up the cheapo LCD’s last Xmas? Well, they’re not all going to replace that $89 bargain with a set that costs twenty to a hundred times as much anytime soon, that’s for damn sure.

The industry doesn’t seem to realize that for the majority of users, TV’s aren’t seen as “disposable” as tablets, phones or other toss-away tech that sheep with grass to spend flock to each time a new model drops. The celebrities and superstars who snag them for free will be happy, but Joe Consumer will sit and wait for these to pop up a few years down the road at a big discount. Ask around and I’d bet that none of your neighbors want a TV bigger than a door or a tablet that would kill them if it fell on their foot. As for that huge Chinese phone? Andre the Giant is dead, but your block’s Mr. Magoo could probably find use for a phone with a screen that large. Remember when phones were getting so damn small that you’d lose them in one hand and spend five minutes looking for it until you realized you were holding it? Well, here comes the Mammoth Phone you need a special bag for with lights and a horn when you need to back up to get into a room or out of one to make a call..

As for so-called “SMART” TV’s?  Ha and ha ha. I’d love to see a SMART interface on one of those, a remote that doesn’t look like a dolphin vibrator with candy buttons and some privacy in terms of a damn TV that doesn’t track usage and suggest content because I’d rather not have everything I watch automatically deemed important or followed up with content I’m not interested in. Hey, YOU fall asleep in front of that clever TV during a flick you were watching before an Earnest movie marathon starts followed by two Rob Schneider flicks, and by the time you wake up, you’re now being hit on the head with more crappy comedy choices than you have time on earth to see. Eh, whatever – there was actually some come stuff I really liked at the show. Back with some impressions on those items tomorrow…