Every time I see one of the many, MANY ads for diet pills, magic sprinkly chemical powders or drinks that make you full and other ineffectively expensive crap pushed on the public to people who think losing weight is too hard because actual exercise is involved that’s more than driving to the mall or walking down to the mailbox (or on a real daring stroll, to the local pharmacy).

I’m betting some real money of my own that if some of these quick fixers and anti-fitness fools added up all the money they’ve spent wasted on those “wonder” drugs and processed junk that only makes their purses and wallets lighter, they could all each afford a Fujiiryoki FJ-099 Body Slimmer and/or one of the company’s heavenly massage chairs.

Not to get all heavy on you (ha ha), but if you can ambulate yourself out to grab a diet pill of questionable origin and even more debatable effect and moan to your friends that it didn’t work or it worked too well but only in that “Welp, now I’m hooked and my liver/kidneys/spleen hates me!” kinda way… well, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself. Meanwhile, Dr Fuji’s expensive solution pays for itself, does a few awesome things to that body you’ll see AND feel and guess what? I bet you a dollar you’ll be laughing your ass off as you rumble those pounds down and get back into fighting shape. As soon as I saw Dr. Fuji on that CE Week show floor getting his Gangnam Style on while dancing on that Body Slimmer, yeah, I laughed at and with him before strolling past. The second time I circled past and saw a web show crew filming a funny promo spot, I decided to step up after they cleared out and see what the whole “Butt Show” thing was about.

Boy, was I (and my butt) VERY surprised…

Yeah, the darn thing works and it’s hi-lar-i-ous to feel as if you’re going from zero to suddenly doing The Running Man as the machine vibrates those underused muscles and gets them wondering where the hell you’ve been all this time. The FJ-099 has four main speeds between 5 and 20, but can be adjusted as low as 1 for a lower impact workout. The one I was on was set to 5 and I think I spent about five or so minutes on it the first time before stepping off slowly to see if I could actually walk without falling over on my head. I was fine, but it felt as if I’d just been to the gym or ran down a flight of stairs at full speed but not tired at all. “Strangely energized” would be a lot more exact choice of words. Dr. Fuji may have a bit of a butt fetish, but I say that’s a damn good thing at the end of the day. Male or female, he wants your ass (and the rest of you) to look and feel really damn good, and his machine will kick and shake your seat and attached parts around but good and you’ll love every minute of it.

After a bit of that muscle and bone shaking action, I was in need of a bit of relaxation and wouldn’t you know it (well,you would if you’ve read this far, correct?), Fujiiryoki makes massage chairs as well. They’re not inexpensive at all, ranging from about $6,000 to $10,000, but you can see as well as FEEL the quality (and they’re worth every cent, by the way). I made my way over to the top of the line model EC-3700 and after settling into the chair, one of the on-site reps made sure I was properly tucked in and pressed the remote. Let’s just say the next twenty minutes (or was it longer?) were REALLY interesting, as the chair proceeded to press, squeeze, knead and massage me into near-submission. I say “near” because I was trying hard not to fall asleep as that chair did its work. Best massage ever? Oh yeah. Had I a checkbook or credit card handy (and the cash to cover the cost in that account), I’d have bought one on the spot.

Amusingly enough, after the massage was over, I was so relaxed and stretched out that I needed to get myself buzzing again so I could enjoy more of the show without keeling over into a heap for a nap. So, yup – it was back to the Butt Show and a few minutes on that FJ-099. The good Dr. popped up to dance next to me for a bit on a second FJ-099 before hopping off to settle someone else into one of the display model massage chairs and I smiled as I watched the woman in the far chair let out a little squeal (I think that was the butt massage part kicking in) and the guy next to her look as if he was about to start snoring. I don’t know how many of those chairs Dr. Fuji sells a year, but once you try one out, you’ll be fixated on getting one at some point along with that butt and body toning FJ-099 sooner than later. Granted, these devices aren’t cheap, but I see it this way: Good health isn’t a luxury -it’s a necessity, and you get what you pay for when you buy the best.

OK, now that that’s settled – I need to go make some more money so I can actually afford to do some splurging!