So, let’s talk (or at the very least, read) about porn for a hot minute. It exists and has existed for centuries (cue up appropriately humorous yet historically inaccurate clip), so like it or else, you’re bound to stumble across it in some form or another.  Some sort of cosmic and karmic justice was certainly in play after I saw the disappointing Justice League, as when I arrived home there was a copy of BAT PUSSY fresh from AGFA sitting in my mailbox, purring away like a brand new Mother Box. Ping, ping, ping….

There was also a Blu-Ray screener of PULP in that padded cell envelope, but that’s not porn and it’s a more fun to watch film I’ll get to in its own review (it’s another winner from Arrow Video, if you really need to know in advance). As I wasn’t expecting this (I’m on the list to get a few screeners, but didn’t get a press release for this one), I was definitely surprised. That said, I didn’t watch it right away thanks to being mentally worn out from that silly comic book film and its too funky flaws.

Something like a dozen hours later (and way too early in the morning for this sort of thing), I finally sat down to watch it with my thinking cap off and an open mind. Which lead to me ending up wearing a second pair of pants, a tinfoil cap, and needing to pop my eyeballs out with a plastic spoon and soak them in peroxide afterwards. Let’s just say this film won’t excite anyone unless they’re really weird, you won’t go blind from watching this (although you may wish you had) and you’ll probably avoid sex for a few weeks just out of sheer horror from the 55 minutes of this slice of restored to 2K cinematic history. Paradoxically, you’ll somehow very likely fall off something from laughing and cringing simultaneously while calling up a friend or two with a cryptic “Oh, you HAVE to see this!” blurting from your lips. Yes, this film has that kind of effect.

NSFW trailer below the jump (but it’s language, not nudid-ity that’s going to tingle your ears, folks!)

No one knows who made this, there are no credits at the beginning or end and it seems whatever was shot on that single reel of film is all that remains (a good thing, that). There’s no story other than two very terribly unattractive people trying to have terribly uncomfortable looking (and possibly cocaine-fueled) flailing called “sex” (some of it simulated) and ad-libbing dialog before being joined by the titular terror that turns this into an even more total train wreck. Most of the dialogue is from the first two people insulting each other (they seriously just won’t shut up) while attempting to have that uncomfortable looking primarily oral intercourse. The guy can’t seem to get anything resembling an erection, so the poor gal with the big beehive ‘do servicing him looks as if she’s gumming a cold, rubbery enchilada.  It was at this point when my brain chimed in with a “Uh, lady? I think you wanna heat that up first” Ewww. Worse, he paws her downstairs like a declawed cat trying to grab a dead mouse from inside a mushy honeydew melon and later, seems to get his nose briefly stuck in her crotch at one point. Ewww.

Our, er… heroine, BP gets the best screen time before she pops up to join the messy boudoir action. After getting a tingle of some illicit film making going on, she leaves her secret hideout (it’s revealed to be an outhouse or a really crappy TARDIS, as it’s bigger on the inside) aboard a red Hoppity Hop (wait, they still make these?) and stops a crime along the way by bopping some dude on the head with that Hop before he attacks a woman. They’re the only two other people in the film and thankfully, remain fully clothed. So much for the *parody* portion of this porn, pal. The film gets ickier when BP pops into the Bickerson’s bedroom and the non-dynamic duo turns into the Beast With Three Backs (or something straight out of Brian Yuzna’s Society, but totally not a practical effect, ewww) complete with a boom mic and partly exposed set as brief guest stars. Not so strangely enough, the camera is locked down save for those patented extreme closeups and I think two actual angle changes (I wasn’t counting, but I think that’s all you get).

For the record, I watched this twice, the second time with the hilarious commentary track featuring Lisa Petrucci and Tim Lewis from Something Weird Video along with a few folks from AGFA where the pretty much stick a few forks in this one while twisting the knife they’ve neatly shoved in its back. Oh, they all love it dearly for what its worth, mind you. But they also realize it’s definitely an acquired taste. There’s also a bonus film called Robot Love Slaves and it’s “better” in the way three month old milk is better than milk that’s a month less well-aged. It’s got more of an actual plot and a bigger cast. But man, dudes back then were pretty damned ugly. Well, we still are for the most part, but the scuzzy-looking dudes in these films make you want to wrap your head up in a towel and take a bleach shower. Well, the ladies (who are all much better looking) don’t complain, for what that’s worth.

The overall result is more or less like finding your uncle’s old porn stash in a shoebox and only after popping that tape in, realizing that’s your uncle onscreen with your aunt. Ewwww. Trust me when I say the only thing you’ll be whipping out is a pair of dark glasses so you can see less of this bickering couple coupling. Thankfully (and oh, thank the gods), no precious bodily fluids are spilled, but the guy does sweat a lot and occasionally shoots the camerman and his co-star some wild, wide cocaine eyes. He also almost steps on BP’s head at one point during one scene where things get too acrobatic (and I didn’t notice this until the second viewing). 55 minutes may seem short to some of you, but it’s a porn eternity, particularly in this case.

Rounding out the disc are a few really funny extras from the G-rated Dating Do’s and Don’ts (from 1949!), an even more unintentionally hilarious short on the problems  of shoplifting from I believe the early 60’s (where among other sights, you’ll see a few shots of women shoving steaks, shirts and even one of those huge double-ended shoe buffers under their skirts and walking out of different stores). There’s also a brief and weird porno intermission teaser and a bunch of awesome crime/sex/sleaze trailers for films I’d watch and not want to cringe up so much over.  I also noted that during the commentary, the Something Weird crew did a few plugs for their XXX Blue Book catalog of adults only-themed shorts, so I’ll plug it here because it’s free (you just pay whatever US or International shipping costs because they have a few thousand left waiting for good homes).

Coin toss time: to buy or not to buy? Well, friends… I’m going to leave that all up to you because what you watch in your own time is all up to you. That said, I’d maybe lighten the mood even further with something that’s a lot more educational and breezier to watch like this Varitease and Teaserama double feature featuring the lovely Bettie Page. I picked this up a while back on a whim out of sheer curiosity and it’s quite a set to behold despite some of the the cornball comic routines between the tasteful tease elements. Still, I’ll admit I laughed a lot more with and at BP than I did during Justice League, but that doesn’t necessarily make BP a better film. Or perhaps it does in it’s own uniquely crazy way. The disc comes with a booklet that kicks off with this bit of profound liner note writing:

Saving old films is a unique form of cultural anthropology. When any of us makes an effort to save an unknown film, we long for it to be London After Midnight. Sometimes, the film you save is Bat Pussy.

Well, I guess I’ll drink to that, although I’d probably need a few more drinks if I wanted to watch this again anytime soon. Which reminds me, I’d imagine some really overzealous fan-types might want a lawsuit to get going because they don’t grasp the concept of parody. But all that would do is get a room full of lawyers watching this, whipping out their phones and calling up colleagues who’ll have nothing to do with whether or not anything gets filed with an “Oh, you HAVE to see this!” blurting from their lips. Circle of life, folks. Circle of life.

Review copy provided by the publisher

-GW