Toy Fair 2013 Classifieds: Formerly Hot Iron Seeks Permanent Pressing Engagement…

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Photo: AP

Man, it absolutely sucks to be seen as a token sexist tool by the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, but Hasbro asked, the fans decided and the trusty old Iron got the axe. I guess it evens things out a bit, as ol’ Mr. Monopoly cut loose that Howitzer a while back (“too violent!” the rabble voted), and the Purse (“out of style!”), Lantern (“what’s a lantern?”), Locomotive (“who rides trains anymore?”), Rocking Horse (“too dangerous for the kids!”), Man on Horseback (“ladies ride too!”) and oddly enough, Sack of Money (well, that last Wall Street crash probably did that piece in). Such is life in the crazy world of board games. And you though video games were too competitive!

And what, pray tell, did the people vote in as a suitable replacement? Why, a cute Cat token, of course! Now they can haz cheezburger while they stroll around the board, slip between the jail bars (you’ve never seen a cat in a jail for long, I hear), get hair all over the board and other players and use the sand on Boardwalk as their personal litter box. Wonderful. Well, I’m allergic to most cats, so there goes my Chance of using that new piece…¬† How the heck does the Wheelbarrow stay in the game (I bet it paid off someone with a few obsolete Sacks of Money or something) with a few of the other pieces? My head is spinning just thinking about all this. Conspiracies abound and all that stuff like that there… we’ll get to the bottom of this one day. Someone call Oliver Stone!

When you think about it, you have to wonder why the Iron got cut? People still use them once in a while when they’re not too lazy and get their duds dry-cleaned and soaked in deadly chemicals before getting those chems pressed into their clothes by well-seasoned industrial irons that act like cast iron fry pans. You’re probably sitting on creases pressed by a machine that’s pressed the clothes of many dead people, you know. Anyway, prove you don’t need that iron in your closet by throwing it out the window. Yeah, right now. You’ll miss it dearly within a week, I bet. And if you accidentally hit someone on the head with that defenestrated home helper, well… you’ll REALLY miss it because you’re going to jail, going directly to jail, definitely not passing GO and absolutely not collecting $200. Er, unless you sell the book and movie rights to your story. Then you’ll make a Sack of Money. Until the courts award it to your victim of my powers of suggestion. I was going to suggest tossing a cat out the window with that iron just to see the difference, but that’s not a nice thing to do. Especially if the can AND the iron hit some poor soul.

As for the poor, unemployed former Monopoly Iron tokens on the world? Well, BEFORE Hasbro melts them down to make new Transformers, we need to take action. I say buy up a handful from that thrift store that has those twenty ancient Monopoly sets no one has touched for a few years (but not eBay, as they’re fetching almost $20 each in some cases), buy a copy of Griddly Games’ upcoming (and surprisingly cool) Rainbows & Storms¬†basic board game creation kit and cook up something like a fun little game where a bunch of newly unemployed board game pieces take on the man who put them out of a job all around the world. Call it Strike While the Iron is Hot, or something similarly clever, don’t forget to thank me generously in the instruction manual, cut me a check for my share of the profits and call it a day. Hey, I don’t ask for much now, do I?

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